End of 2020

It's the last day of 2020 and it feels like I have so much to say and nothing to say at all.  I could say it's been the worst year of my life and I could say I've seen some of the best things in my life.  It's very weird.  

Sometimes it's difficult to find the words to update or the want-to.  Not for any particular reason.  But I also don't want to overlook and not give time to the things and people that have gone above and beyond in this hard season for us. The gifts we have received in the last month alone have been overwhelming.  Meaningful gifts.  Large fruit baskets because a neighbor hears we're trying to eat pretty healthy.  A homemade bottle of mustard seeds reminding us to have faith like Scripture says and that with God, nothing is impossible.   Cookie deliveries, meals even when we're not on a list anymore, and so much more!  And then friends who have a culdesac party, full of strobe lights and a live Santa to show us Christmas love!  I can't bring myself to take down that Christmas tree with the personal, signed, and thought-through ornaments.  The gift cards and monetary gifts that came that night and since....'thank you' doesn't even sound like the right words.  That people think of us, remember us, in a busy and often emotional season for others brings tears to our eyes often.  We have literally felt lifted and strengthened when we get a text message on days when we weren't soliciting prayers, but silently needed them.  These gifts are beyond what we could have imagined.  

Ending 2020 doesn't end our cancer journey.  I sure wish it did!  Today, Scott wrapped up his last day of 10 radiation treatments on a spot near his lung.  It was the spot that needed the most attention at this time and should be blasted.  Monday, he has a procedure to remove more fluid near that area which we did in October. There was always more fluid that may need removed and Scott actually looks forward to this relief.   We have no more treatments for now and we will have another look at things in February.  This is a time of recovery for Scott's body and a period of wait.  And really, we are waiting on the Lord alone.  We ask with faith and boldness, knowing that God alone can make healthy cells and kill the bad ones.  Please join us as we continue to ask God to stop cancer growth, even if it makes no sense.  We ask for God to show off and do what only He can! We ask for wisdom and discernment in our steps.

Scott has great days and feels almost normal.  And he has hard days where he feels fatigued, is confused by the response his body has to treatment, and feels discouraged.  We ride the roller coaster of many emotions and long for "normal".  But I will say, while our flesh is often unstable and feels a lot of things, our souls are firm.  Our guts stand firm on our God.  Even in anger and frustration, Scott is pressing on, trusting that "through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:5) .  Scott is the picture of endurance.  He is a fighter!  On his worst day, I will find him sweating on the treadmill.  He is never curled up in a ball quitting.  He is working and meeting with people and praying and fighting. And while we can't tell you what our 5 year goals are right now, or even 3 months, fighting and trusting is what we will continue to do.  

We are grateful for so many things in 2020!  This season has had a sweetness that I can't even explain.   I am more proud of our kids than I ever have been.  I am crazy about my husband.  We are thankful for little things in the every day.  Even boring days, like New Year's Eve where we might barely make it til 10pm.  We have celebrated more and loved deeply.   We've heard grown men say things they should have said years ago.  Friendships have deepened.  Our faiths have grown and we have had more intentional conversations in every environment we are in.  So much to be thankful for!  

Round five

We had the awaited appointment with the doctor Scott not so lovingly calls Pharaoh yesterday.  This is our after Round 4 discussion of the last CT scan and plan moving forward.  I prayed beforehand two simple things....1. That the doctor wouldn't be discouraging to Scott.  He is our most dreaded appointment-made obvious by high blood pressure and our affect when we leave.  And 2 for Spirit words. That we would know what God says.  That was it.  Well, in addition to my persistent pleas that God would wipe out this cancer in a way only explained by Him.  But yesterday, it was really just the 2.

The appointment was fine.  The CT was "stable" is the word.  The cancer shrunk some in a few areas, but for the most part stayed put.  The doctor spoke to Scott about his reactions and symptoms to the first 4 rounds.  For the most part, Scott is fortunate and isn't losing his cookies or struggling too terribly much.  Peeling finger nails, bone pain mid-round, and just overall yuckiness and fatigue.  But overall, we know we've been blessed with some minimal side effects and some days of normalcy.  Pharaoh didn't rush us.  Listened to some questions.  And basically gave us a choice of whether or not to do Round 5.  I sat in a tiny room, just the 3 of us asking the Lord to speak quickly and loud!  How are we supposed to make this decision?!?  We asked the doctor what he would do.  He recommended the fifth round to give this chemo it's maximum benefit and because Scott is handling this chemo relatively well.  I talked about asking the Lord in front of him.  We were desperate to hear.  He stepped out and we had 10 minutes. 

We had 10 minutes to decide if we were going to send Scott back into poison.  To process a "stable" CT.  What the heck?  Even the medical professional didn't have a black and white answer.  And I remembered I asked the Lord for a lack of discouragement and Spirit words.  We had to believe that Pharaoh was how God was speaking.  It was all we had.  So Scott did round 5 yesterday.  He called me less than an hour later, begging for a food delivery, because just the smell of that place makes him nauseated.  Chemo has a smell.  Foods he eats and places he goes on chemo day, become how chemo smells.  It has ruined some yummy things honestly. 

So overall, not bad news.  Scott called it victory because it wasn't growing! But nothing that blows your dress up either!  I'm not quite sure why it's so hard to process "stable".  To send him back in to something he hates and makes him feel like garbage.  Obviously because I love him.  But bigger than that.  How do you ask big and with expectation, and not get let down when it wasn't what you thought.  And I'm an expectations person.  I remember saying those exact words to Scott when we were friends, before dating.  I never knew where I stood with him and I told him "Look, I'm an expectations person.  I never know if we're friends, if you hate my guts, and I hate it.  So decide which guy you want to be and I'll let you know if I want to be friends with him."  I guess I've been an expectations person for awhile.  

And I must have inadvertently walked in yesterday expecting the big miracle already!  I maybe didn't even realize I was doing it.  Expecting them to say "We can't believe it!  It's nearly gone!".  It's the only way I can explain what a big disappointment "stable" was.  I cried a lot!  I drove out of the parking lot sort of yelling at the Lord "You could do this differently you know!  You are capable and I don't understand why you're doing it this way!"  I struggled off and on and at another point admitted "I just wanted the big miracle, God!"  I sounded like a brat. Gently, I felt Him say 'What if this is a miracle Lauren? It isn't growing.'  My mind quickly remembered 9 years ago when we got told no about adopting our kids.  If I remember correctly, the exact word stamped across our paperwork was DENIED.  I cried so hard that day, Scott walked off a golf course to meet me at home.  Those were my kids and I'd been told no.  BUT God made a way there.  Why it took almost 2 years to get kids that should have been easy to bring home, I may never know.  What I do know is He made a way.  And that His way is better than mine.  

Today, I've read or been sent the most timely of messages and songs.  Reminders of God's miracles, business of impossibility, and even that God has never been held back by prognosis.  Scott and I have read them together, cried through some of them, grateful for God to be so specific and personal.  We still don't necessarily like this.  Chemo is terrible.  Scott hates feeling cruddy, swelling, feeling fatigued, etc.  But we are fighting to Stand Firm.  It's what He has asked us to do repeatedly. Stand.  So on Him, we will. 

Confident expectation

 It's advent season--the season of the anticipation of expectation of the coming of Christ.  There's a few different versions and some including more chocolate than Jesus,  but our church began with Scott speaking on hope.  The cancer patient speaking on hope....during a pandemic.  Honestly, it wasn't hard to brainstorm how to talk about our hope in Christ--our confident expectation that he will be who He says He is and do what He says He will. We believe it!  Our hope isn't in whether or not God heals Scott or what the outcome is.  Our hope is in the reality that Jesus is all He says and we get to know Him, to live in His Kingdom now and forever.

But I gotta say, the warfare that began before this sermon and since, has been intense.   If you don't believe in spiritual warfare, we should get coffee!  Because we know there is a big, active personal God.  But there is also an enemy.  Having hope in the big picture doesn't make us not have feelings or keep us from being human.  And it certainly doesn't keep us from spiritual battle.  In fact, I might argue that the more we hope and bring God glory, the more the enemy wants to tear down.  Spiritual warfare comes at me differently than it may come at Scott.  For me, it acts like pictures and words spoken that flash across my mind like those children's toys from the 80's--the View Master.  Remember those?   It's like people's sad facial expressions, words of discouragement, medical terms and my attempt at understanding click-click through my mind like that toy.  Either way, as it came at Scott, it came at me.  When he felt down, I found it harder and harder to cheerlead.  Symptoms, new and old, cause questioning if this is due to chemo or cancer growth.  Are things moving backwards?  And now the snowball is rolling.  We begin to hear the enemy whisper "You're alone.  You've been abandoned.  You're foolish to believe."  

Friday night, we knew we had hit a wall.  There are moments when you're just flat angry.  Cancer has stolen so much.  And then you've got fights with your insurance company.  You're exhausted trying to hold not only yourself together, but trying to worry about those around you.   You're worn out fighting to believe boldly and keep fear at bay and you can almost feel your neck straining to keep above the water.  We were leaving town with our family and we just cried.  

I reached out to only a few friends asking them to pray that at a minimum, Scott could get enough relief to enjoy Saturday with our people. We woke up Saturday morning and he already felt better physically.  Thank you God!  Then we went to Silver Dollar City and God began to speak in the most amazing ways.

It started with one facebook message.  This friend is from 20 years ago and has now twice sent the most timely, discerning message. She sent a piece of Psalm 44 with a brief note that she wanted to share the hope it had brought her.

"It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face for you loved them. You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob. Though we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I put no trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame.  In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever. " Psalm 44:3-8 NIV (emphasis added)

I was instantly teary eyed.  Unfortunately, I'm also enough cynical to not want to take things at face value and argued with myself- 'Cancer isn't an enemy and that's not what this passage is talking about!'  Instantly, God reminded me that the enemy we were fighting this past week was Satan! He had sent us spiraling.  But my weapons, my words and attempts to punch him in the face are not what will beat him!  My God beats him!  He has and does and will again!  He wins the whole shebang and He will beat him for me today! It was so perfect, I was overwhelmed with emotion and shared it with Scott.  

A few hours later, we both received a text from a friend telling us how she had been praying.  She began before Scott preached the Sunday prior, but the Holy Spirit wouldn't let her stop after the sermon.  She continued praying for what?  For us to be able to take captive thoughts that were not obedient to Christ!  It was like she knew the specific struggle of the week.  That's how cool the Spirit is! 

And then a simple text-sent to Scott-stating that the Father wouldn't let him quit thinking about Scott and his family.  So simple.  Yet divine. 

3 different times, God came near to us.  He used His Word and His people to speak directly to our hearts and our circumstance.  Not change it completely but tell us that He loves us and is intimately acquainted.  And that we aren't forgotten.  By Him or others.  It gave us the push and strength to walk the coming few days before our appointment on Tuesday.  It helped us fight against the enemy with more umph and truth! 

Tomorrow, we hear about the last scan.  We saw scans after Round 2 and now again after Round 4.   It should give us some direction for what is next.  More chemo?  We've been asking not.  Radiation?  I've been asking God to eradicate the spots.  For Him to do a work that can only be explained by Him!  And we will give Him the glory!  Like the end of that Psalm 44 passage--we will boast in Him all day long! But until we hear, we know He is close to us.  We know He isn't sleeping or hands off.  We are hanging onto Him tightly, confidently expecting Him to be what only He can be----God.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving day and it's safe to say that this year has been weird and hard for all of us.  Jobs lost, loved ones sick or gone, kids home more than ever, uncertainty...cancer.  It's a strange time.  But I woke up this morning and for some reason, it felt like Christmas morning to me.   My house was silent.  Scott was up early with me to get rolls to start rising.  And I just see things differently now. 

It's been the hardest 4 months of my life, hands down.  The months prior, the beginning of COVID, I could not have known how hard things were going to get.  How scary.  How uncertain.  But I also couldn't have predicted the absolute joy and love and support that would come from hanging on by a thread to my God and the way He has moved in His people to love us well.  I can't describe the daily feeling in my gut of fear surrounded by faith and prayers.  I can feel the fear overshadowed by some of you all praying specifically.  The way uncertainty and stress feels enveloped by encouragement and random acts of kindness and texts that lead me back to the One that holds me together.  It's hard to explain unless you've felt it.  

The update is that we are in the last week of Round 4 of chemo...and Scott has been to work more day this round than any other.  He looks strong, yet bald.  Different, but he's him.  I am more grateful for his health and time with him than I ever have been.  Every moment counts.  Sometimes tearful conversations you never wanted to have.  And sometimes him taking me shopping for "Hallmark coats" (don't ask) when he doesn't feel awesome.  He demonstrates Jesus to me daily. 

I am grateful for kids that want to be around us.  That eat with us and decorate for Christmas together.  Even when I know they feel the fear and uncertainty too.  I'm grateful that 8 years ago today, we boarded a plane with our 2 year old to go get 5 kids we'd never met in another country.  I'm overjoyed with the family God built for me.  He built something I could not have imagined I even wanted.

And in a way, that's what He's doing with cancer.  He is stretching our faith and our relationships with everyone around us.  Because we don't do fluffy much anymore!  If you want to talk about the weather, we are not your people! We are constantly pressing in to good things! He is building something in me that I don't want some days.  He is reminding me that this is not my home and that every day is precious on this temporary Earth that He will take away someday.  And that He writes better stories than I do.  

Today, I am thankful for His presence and the Holy Spirit.  That He changes me and shapes me.  I am thankful for a country where I can still sit in a restaurant and read my Bible.  Where I can openly talk about the Lord.  I am thankful that He hears me.  That when I continue to ask for BIG things, He doesn't push me away.  

I am thankful for all of you that continue to ask God specifically too.  For complete healing.  For the hearts of all that love Scott.  For me.  There are days I can't do it and I know some of you are doing it for me!  I am thankful for the body of Christ and that we can meet.  Masked or not, we can meet and worship.  We are blessed.

What's to come is unknown.  We have a scan December 3rd and it will determine more chemo, radiation only, or some combo.  We are asking God to do things only He can do and eradicate the cancer completely!  What He does is His deal and I make clear that everything thus far is Him everywhere we go!  If you want to know how to pray, pray for December 3rd.  Pray for His glory!  

Happy Thanksgiving friends!  Give thanks to Him in all circumstances!  He is worth it!  

Round 4

 After Round 3 and good news in the last post, we had a Groundhog Dayish few weeks of that round.  The first two weeks are a roller coaster of not-so-hot, better, then maybe not so great again.  The third week, we have come to to expect normalcy which is a welcome reprieve.  Scott usually returns to work whole days and is so close to himself, we almost forget cancer is still such a big part of our story.

We go tomorrow for Round 4.  We will have a brief appointment with the nurse practitioner and then he will sit and get injected with all kinds of things.  The next few weeks may potentially come with answers about how much chemo, is radiation coming soon, and what the plan might be going forward.  I say "may" and "might" because I've come to know not to put my confidence in doctors, in appointments, or even in hopes that their plan will be communicated verbally at all.  These recent months have brought new meaning to "one day at a time".  Looking too far out can almost bring me instant hyperventilation and it is subject to change anyway, so why waste the breath.  

I have been hanging on 2 Chronicles 20.  It's been sent to us multiple times, by different disconnected people, in different months.  I have picked it apart, taken notes, and just tried to figure out what God could possibly want to say to me in it.  The last several weeks, I have toggled between the Go...and Stand firm.  The people were told to go...and they moved.  And they were told to Stand Firm and watch God deliver them.   Action and ultimate trust.  Both. What is my go?  And what is my stand firm?  There is such a fine line between research, food, vitamins and minerals....and trusting that this is God's deal and His alone.  Where do I need to go (do) and where do I need to stand firm (trust)?  

We have walked out praying and continuing to ask God for the miracles we know He alone is capable of.  We have pursued wise reading and council regarding natural remedies and conversations about food as medicine.  We continue to do what the oncology world is telling us as well.  These 2 different worlds don't coexist super well so it requires us to advocate for ourselves and ask God what He wants from us. 

For now, we believe we have good balance.  We know without a shadow of a doubt that in our God alone do all things hold together.  We stand firm in that He loves us and is guiding us every minute.  We go when He says and wait when He says, the best we know how. 

Please pray for Scott and his side effects from these rounds of chemo.  Each round builds on the other and it really is straight poison.  He is a trooper and gets up, gets dressed and wears cologne, even on the days he feels like he got hit by a truck.  He rarely complains and is present with our kids and in his business.  But it is frustrating when your body doesn't do things perfectly and you feel weaker than before.  

Pray for our kids as this journey is very much theirs too.  Pray that they all continue to or seek the Lord for the first time throughout this.  He is the only One who can meet their needs.  

And pray that God is glorified in our lives and our story.  That we would have opportunities at every turn to talk about who He is to us and all that He is doing in our lives! That same 2 Chronicles passage says that when Jehoshaphat was scared, he set his face to seek the Lord.  I am working to keep my face set, even if the Lord is having to gently grab me by the chin sometimes to hold it there. 

Thank you for your continued prayers and love and support! 

Rejoicing today!

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

I AM GLAD!  So thrilled to get to tell you that in our very brief appointment this morning, we heard "the scans look good."  I asked her to repeat it and say things. look. good. again please! Every spot is responding and shrinking.  Whether it's chemo or diet or angel armies in there, we do not care!  We know the Lord is working!  We knew it before we walked in there because of many little signs and wonders that you'll have to ask us about in person!  For now, we rejoice in good scans!

Scott is celebrating alone in a chemo round 3 chair today.  I, on the other hand, am celebrating by telling everyone who might even care a little bit.  So rejoice with me or move along if you see me telling the Price Chopper cashier or any other stranger how great and kind my God is!

Thank you for all the prayers and tears of joy shared with us today!  Please don't stop, this is far from over!  This is just the beginning of God getting glory!  And glory He deserves!!

Stay in Today

Well, things change right?  Today, we thought we would be meeting with the oncologist to discuss the CT Scott had on Monday.  I tried hard not to get ahead of myself, but my mind started to plan for what he might say.  Is the cancer responding?  Maybe a miracle has already been happening!  I wanted to plan to celebrate... my humanity also wanted to prepare for harder news.  It's an emotional roller coaster looking ahead.

Instead, about 2:00 yesterday, Scott called leaving his primary care doctor and said that we needed to go to the ER; they thought he was in a-fib.  He came and got me and drove us to our 7 hour stay in KU's emergency room, which is nothing short of a movie scene!  His heart rate has been consistently high and stayed that way while we were there, in addition to a very elevated bp.  The ER docs got us in right away and began tests on his heart.  About 10:00 we were moved into a room to stay overnight.  Instead of our awaited appointment and round 3 of chemo today, we woke to an echocardiogram, an ultrasound of the heart, and many teams of doctors from cardiology to pulmonology to internal medicine. It's been a whirlwind.

I'll tell you, this morning, I wanted to stomp my feet a bit.  I was weary and sad and nervous and wanted today to be different!  But just because we aren't celebrating the cancer's response (we just don't know it yet and will reschedule), I'm reminded that we can celebrate right now.  I have to learn time and time again apparently to stay in today.  Celebrate today.  Hope for today.  My plans are just that--mine-- and God has said over and over to stand.  That He is fighting.  That He holds the future.  Him.

So today, we choose to celebrate today!

• There is nothing wrong with Scott's heart!  Absolutely nothing.  In fact, it wasn't really in a-fib after all and his heart function is excellent!
• Being in the ER highlighted some fluid on or near one of his lungs which could be the cause of his elevated heart rate and some other mild discomfort.  We didn't know about this fluid, although it apparently has been on other scans.  Without his pcp doing an EKG and sending him to the ER, we still would not know. 
• We saw numerous doctors and groups in a 24 hour time and almost everyone asked how we really were, stopped and listened, and thoroughly evaluated Scott like he mattered! They have tested and tested everything! We are so grateful!
• People's specific prayers have been answered today regarding our care, the doctors, Scott's bp and heart rate and much more! 

Now, we sit in the hospital still to have the fluid near his lung drained.  We may even be able to go home today and sleep in our own bed!  Another reason to celebrate! 

Just Enough

I must be due for an update.  I know when I start getting questions all at once.  And not that I avoid talking about things... but sometimes when normalcy kind of creeps in, I want to lay down and roll around in it.  So I've kind of been doing that for a few days.

We are in the 3rd week of the 2nd round of chemo.  Each round is 3 weeks long and having one under our belt was helpful, but not exactly a duplicate of the next. There were more days in this last week where we could pretend to not have cancer and be normal that I've almost been holding my breath for this week.  You don't even realize the pressure...until at one point this week, I consciously quit worrying about something kid related and didn't feel relief.  I told Scott it was like someone took a grape off the pile I'm carrying and in that moment, I remembered abruptly that I am carrying a load---fears, concerns, trying to decipher what I can and can't control.... and although my faith is in the Lord and He ultimately holds it all together, I am human.

We know we are super fortunate with how these chemo weeks have gone.  Scott doesn't feel overly nauseated and has relatively few days of terrible.  We have a few concerning symptoms that we are trying to understand and manage--and if we've learned anything, it's that we have to advocate for ourselves and figure some of this out.  But we also celebrate the good days.  We are so grateful he was able to travel out of town this weekend to watch one of our kids play soccer!  He is a tough guy for sure, and we are just blessed by how His body is handling this. We haven't had as many deep, aha moments.  But instead, the encouragement and text messages trickle in at the perfect time. People still aren't forgetting us which is staggering to me.  The Lord continues to provide just enough--with people's timely words for us, unexpected visits, meals.  He knows just what we need and we see His provision daily.

This week, Monday Scott has a COVID-19 test and CT and Wednesday we will meet to discuss what they saw.  He is scheduled for Round 3 of chemo as well, although this really hasn't been discussed with the Dr. This is the week for prayer warriors!  Not that God works in our time at all...but our minds do!  We will see if and how the cancer is responding!  We will be making decisions about continued and next steps.  Please pray that we will hear from God very specifically.  We want to do what He wants and live out our part obediently.  That balance is interesting sometimes. 

Red Day #2

We are wrapping up the last week of the chemo round and it is safe to say, it has had its ups and downs.  We think we learned the rhythm of these 3 weeks and are grateful to have ended on a high note--some very "normal" days where you could almost forget about cancer. Almost.

I like to watch shows and series right now that are nothing like my life.  So naturally, a recent favorite was about a female drug lord from Mexico.  When they would go to fight another cartel, they would meet up in some warehouse and line up all their weapons, making sure they had all the ammo and people they needed to win this fight.  Maybe not spiritual, but I have likened our week to that.  We are consciously laying out our weapons, making sure we have the ammo. Gearing up for the next fight.  I've been super grateful for laughter and a 3 mile walk with my husband-that I might have taken for granted previously. 

What's a shame...or human I suppose...is that on these "normal" days, you don't rely as heavily on Scripture and what God says like you did on the hardest, most confusing days.  I should own it--I found myself not relying on Scripture the same way.  I sat down one morning, forcing myself to slow down, and re-read some of the passages God has spoken so clearly through for us--Psalm 77, Proverbs 3, Exodus 14.  

Re-reading Exodus 14 even now....I see myself in them.  Right after the Red Sea parts--like right after--they're grumbling and wondering if or how God's going to provide.  Exodus 16 spoke to my heart--God was only going to give them a day's portion.  Just enough.  And that's where I need to be.  Right in the kind of dependence where I have enough for today.  I can't see what's coming anyway!  Nothing forces dependence like cancer.  But even on the days that come with a bit less fear and anxiety, I want to still be standing firmly on the God who provides the good, who provides the joy, who I am still dependent on, even when it feels secure on my own.  All is from Him and in Him all things hold together (Colossians 1). This is me preparing the ammo, readying for battle.

Thursday Scott starts his second round of chemo.  While we aren't excited about what is to come, there is a bit of relief in at least kind of knowing what to expect.  We are still praying that whether through chemo, or His own creative means, that God is wiping this cancer from Scott's body.  Cruz, our 6 year old, has been praying on the way to school "Thank you for healing me dad".  The first time he said it, it caught me off guard. 'Man, buddy, I hope you know something I don't yet!' But after he said it a few more times, I realized we should be thanking God for what He's doing even when we can't see it all the time.  God is at work here.  We feel it.  Pray with us!  Wear red Thursday again if you'd like.  We will be wearing red-still standing on God's words and His promises to us.  Grateful that the blood of Lamb conquered sin and death and can conquer this too, however He chooses. 

How does it feel?

"What do you feel?"  I ask Scott this question in some form daily.  "What doesn't feel good?  What kind of sick?  Is it like ___?"  I'm trying so hard to understand.  I want to understand. And although we are one in so many ways, I can't feel this for him or take it away.  He says I'm not annoying him yet but he might be lying.

We are about one week from the first chemo treatment.  The first several days we wondered what, if anything, it was doing.  Then there were a few nights, late in the night, we began to feel the affects.  I say we, but really Scott is doing all the feeling.  Awful combinations of feeling like he'd been hit by a truck, pain in places that hadn't been hurting, restlessness yet so tired, led to a frustration and sadness I've yet to see.  We found ourselves in the middle of the night pleading with God for breakthrough.  During the second night up late, so tired, it felt as though we were being tortured in war. And maybe we are.  A war with the cancer and the chemo.  A war between knowing God is in control and loves us and wondering if He's left us alone to fight this thing. 

I was in a massage a friend got me recently--running late and wired so when I finally laid down, my face mushed up in that hole trying to get my heart rate to calm down, I prayed.  I was praying for Scott and the way his body was feeling before chemo.  I was asking God to give him relief, to make the bloating and frustration subside.  And then I subsequently asked God to war on the cancer.  To fight it with a vengeance.  To be wiping it out, even without medicine!  I often plead with Him, "God, I know you can!  I'm asking you to.  You tell us to ask and I'm asking!"  Very clearly I felt like God said "Lauren, you can't have it both ways.  If I'm warring inside of Scott's body, he isn't going to feel peachy.  It's war."  And in a strange way, I calmed and said "OK".  If that's what it takes God, I'll take the war.  Now Scott may not like this dialogue about how his body is going to feel that he was not a part of.  But he has reminded me numerous times, "Lauren, we can't have it both ways".  So we're trying so hard to be okay with side effects and hard days, pleading with God to be warring against the cancer!

God's mercies really are new every morning and yesterday was a new day.  Scott's color came back during the day.  At one point, he lifted up his pant leg to show me his ankle and was so excited it looked like him!  We celebrated that small thing with fist bumps and his smile.  Maybe it isn't such a little thing. Maybe his body is functioning more normally.  Maybe it's just a tiny reminder that God is working.  That something is happening in there! 

We don't know much more.  He gets blood work regularly to see how his body is handling treatment.  And he should go for another "round" in a couple weeks.  My friend sent me these song lyrics today, when I confessed how alone this season can feel.  

'What was true in the light is still true in the dark.  That you're good and you're kind and you care for this heart'

Oh how I need those reminders.  

Thanks for the Sea of Red

Overwhelmed is a word I've said and felt so much today.  Driving to KU Med, knowing I'd be leaving my husband there alone for chemo treatment felt heavy and sad.  But it was matched simultaneously with texts of Scripture and encouragement.  Texts telling me to close my eyes and imagine all of you in red in our yard.  Families telling us they're fighting with us.  Pictures of families and coworkers in red spilled in.  I could have cried in sadness and frustration in one minute as Scott walked in alone and I couldn't go--and with overwhelming love and gratitude in another. 

We felt so loved and covered today.  We felt your prayers like a blanket.  People that haven't met us in cases were wearing red and thinking of us today.  God's people came together with one voice, asking for miracles for Scott. 

We just want to say thank you.  I am asking God for our unified voices to be heard.  I know he doesn't need my brilliant ideas but He tells us to ask, so we are asking.  Heal Scott, God.  Do what only you can do.

Scott feels really good today.  We are realistic and know that could change in the next few days and we are trying to be prepared to be flexible as needed.  But for now, he's okay.  Praying that chemo flowing through him is gobbled up by the cancer and the cancer is beat!  Praying God is glorified by our every step.  

Red

After waiting another week for the molecular breakdown, Monday we were getting antsy.  We were told the report was done, but no data yet.  Scott was nervous that today, the Tuesday before the scheduled drug therapy, would be another day of unknowns and we would have to decide if we wanted to move forward without the molecular breakdown again.  He woke up struggling--swollen and irritated that he just doesn't feel quite like himself.  Wondering if it's cancer or radiation, blood pressure meds or his recent change of diet that's making him feel this way.  It was God's kindness that we received the message before 10am--although not necessarily what we wanted--that the molecular breakdown didn't show a mutation that we could target and that chemo was our option.  Scott will do 7 hours of infusions tomorrow.

Discouragement can be a hard, heavy thing.  We fight it.  Often times with gratefulness, listing what we see God doing, even if it seems foggy.  One day this week, a friend from church sent a text on a hard morning.  Scott saw her name and plead with God to please make these words from Him.  The picture came with it below.  "This is what the Lord says to you".  Ok God, you got our attention.  We focused on the red words that day.  Do not be afraid or discouraged.  The battle is not yours.  Stand firm.  See.  Go.  The Lord will be with you.  Those words were life that morning, followed by numerous other texts that were a tangible reminder that God hasn't left us and loves us so personally. 

Today when it seemed heavy again, Scott went back to that picture.  He stood firmly on the red words.  In the text he sent me, inadvertently letting me know he was okay and his affect was improving,  he wrote "red".  I knew he wanted me to read the boxed in red words.  Then I remembered the PET scan from Mayo.  One of the doctors that we grew to trust pointed out how red Scott's spots were because they had drank up all the glucose.  The hope is that they will drink up the chemo like that.  So I reminded him of that red.  In a strange train of thought, we then we remembered this text from another dear friend-"While it is true that cancer is in you-it does not, it cannot overshadow the resurrection power-the Mighty power of Jesus that flows through your veins.".  Red like blood.  Like Jesus' resurrected blood that lives in us.  So we agreed we are wearing red tomorrow-Scott's first 7 hour day of chemo.  Victorious red.  Because our Jesus and His words always win!  Join us if you'd like.  Pray for him.  We feel it and need it daily! 

Change of plans

 A practical update of sorts--Scott is not going to be starting drug therapy tomorrow as planned.  The Monday before last when we met with the oncologist, the plans for this week were made, still contingent on the results of a molecular breakdown from the last biopsy.  We were assured that those results would be back before the day of scheduled treatment--so that if we were given a more targeted drug approach, we would get that started instead of chemo.  As of today, those results were still not in so we suppose that it was assumed we would just start the 7 hour infusion of general chemo tomorrow. 

That just didn't sit well.  We have waited 4 additional weeks because the importance of the molecular breakdown had been emphasized.  And I could get into the nitty gritty of what these few days of waiting looks like for us.....of the warfare that comes, the confusion and fight to try to push for answers or just show up to the infusions without asking a question.  But this is a blog, not a therapy session. There's a strange tightrope we walk between taking action, advocating and fighting with the healthcare community and for Scott.....and just trusting because we know God is ultimately in charge here. 

Today, Scott decided to just trust.  He felt strongly that God had been in conversations recently about waiting for the molecular breakdown.  So as today went on, he felt like moving toward chemo tomorrow and "burning the house down" so to speak was premature.  We agonize over these decisions sometimes...but we called on some of our army to pray as we struggled.  And I believe Scott's peace he has in deciding to wait for the molecular breakdown before starting treatment is both the peace that comes from listening to the Lord and from many holding up our arms.   There's a whole lot of other jumbled up thoughts and emotions wrapped up in there...but that's basically it.  We are scheduled for treatment now September 2nd and expect to have the molecular breakdown before that. 

My mom shared a verse with me today, as she was squaring me up in a hard moment.  Romans 15:13 says: 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."  

It's super meaty.  Fill you--in believing--power of the Holy Spirit, abound in hope.  In a margin of my Bible there, I have written hope: confident trust; expectation.  We do not know what God will do.  We don't know if we will be privy to the reason or purpose for all this waiting.  But we confidently trust with expectation that our God is up to something.  The Enemy scares us into believing that God doesn't have our best interest-that He's forgotten us-that He isn't active.  But we are waiting with expectation to be filled up in believing--while believing with all our weight-that God is here with us! That we are not forgotten.  And I am so grateful for today where Scott heard from the Lord and feels confident in that-even if it just gets us through to one more day.  

This is hard.  We have some raw, vulnerable moments that aren't pretty.  But today I pictured the people who were praying for us, just those praying today even, gathered in our backyard and I was so humbled, it choked me up.  We are very blessed and extremely covered.  Please don't stop. 

Drug Therapy-Next Steps

 Being honest, I don't want to write.  And it's not because I have anything hard or bad to say....I guess sometimes not talking about things can feel almost temporarily normal.  

Scott had a follow up appointment yesterday with the medical oncologist we're working with at KU.  We were expecting the molecular breakdown to be back so we could know if a targeted drug treatment plan was an option.  It's not back yet.  No one seems to feel quite as impatient about that as I do.  They say it's normal and we should have that this week.  The hard part is what we call having eaten the apple--we've seen the scans.  You can't unsee it.  And no matter how hard we play mental gymnastics, you have to wonder what that cancer is doing in there!  We want it gone!  

So the plan right now is tentative...Scott is scheduled to start a combo chemotherapy next Wednesday.  He will get infusions for 7 straight hours, just one day, and repeat 3 weeks later.  It's a more standard, stereotypical chemo--may be nauseated, fatigued, lose his hair, etc.  This is the plan IF the molecular breakdown says that a targeted approach wouldn't be better.  IF it shows that there's a targeted approach, we will begin that next week.  Either way, we have a plan. 

That should all feel good and productive.  And in a way it does.  I guess I just remembered yesterday that Scott has cancer.  I know...duh.  But man, it's a mental, emotional, physical fight every single day to ward off the Enemy...to fight the thoughts and fears.  And sometimes you are able to coast for just a few days, or even a week and feel like Scott and Lauren.  But yesterday, my guard came down a bit and I felt human and vulnerable.   Like I was cheerleading and jumping up and down to a crowd in bleachers full of scientists and serious faces that made no expression.  It's exhausting!  And I kind of broke down.  I'm sad that Scott has to go through this.  I'm anxious about the future.  I'm unsure of what God is going to do.  And you wonder in moments of humanity if He's working-if He's moving.  Are you putting a tsunami in there God?  Are you hearing the prayers of a 6 year old and sweeping it out like dust?  

But again, when there's much I don't know....there are things I do know.  I know that God has been active in parts of every day.  We have seen His love and presence in some great Spirit filled conversations with our kids.  We see Him not forgetting us when our friends, who have lives and kids, still text and pray with Spirit-led words and Scripture.  I hear Him in worship songs.  I see Him in Scott-when I wonder how this is a loving story and God gently reminds me that the way Scott loves me is God in Him.  And I just cry singing "He is jealous for me....I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...He loves us".  I know our God doesn't sleep--and he's not asleep on the job here.  And I feel immature and faithless that I rely on the reminders of that every day.  But like a friend reminded me today, God isn't looking for spiritual giants and theologians.  He is looking for us to walk with Him.  To lean into Him.  To dwell with Him.  So here I am, dwelling.  Pressing in, when I want to pull back.  Because I know that no matter what I don't know...that He is still on the throne and He is still with me.  Just those 2 things together are mind blowing.  The God of the Universe is with me.  Wow.  Hang out there today.  

Radiation and the wait

My silence must be making people nervous-as my phone has blown up the last 24 hours with requests to know what's going on!  Sorry 'bout that.

Scott is finishing up his 5 days of radiation on one spot this morning, as we speak! He really hasn't felt any side effects and was told yesterday, he is pretty much restriction free after today!  They didn't recommend riding a dirt bike, but that was about it! 

We have kind of settled into a rhythm of wait the last week or so.  Radiation was a good box to check.  We have an appointment in a couple weeks with the oncologist that will be the one that decides what type of drug therapy (chemo, immunotherapy, some cocktail combo) is best for this type of cancer and it's molecular breakdown.  Scott goes to work and I'm selling houses and we almost seem normal.  Whatever that means!

Waiting is probably not one of my spiritual gifts.  We fight each day to only look at today-not out to the next week or months.  Even this morning, I found myself thinking 'I feel so powerless' and quickly I felt God whisper "You are.  Apart from me, you have no power."  But then He quickly reminded me that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me!  In me! And like a great friend texted us recently, cancer may be in Scott's body, but the resurrection power of Jesus runs through his veins!  We continue to pray boldly that God is working in the wait.  That He is containing this cancer and working miracles already! Cruz, our 6 year old, prays that God is wiping it out like a tsunami through Scott's body.  It's a good visual and sweetest prayer.  

We continue to walk every night, recounting God's deeds as we go.  Sometimes through gritted teeth on a rough work day, but we can always find ways that God is present and loving us.  It's a practice we don't want to ever stop. And we hang on and depend on Scripture like we never have before.   I have never really understood "daily bread" like I do now.  Maybe because I've never been physically hungry, maybe because I've never been truly dependent for any length of time.  All of a sudden, God's Word each day is truly food.  It keeps my fear and doubt out of the driver's seat and points my face toward the only One who holds all things together.  Sometimes I can almost feel Him lift my chin toward Him.  We ask that you continue to pray boldly and wait and fight along side us.  

Walking to the water

A little update--fact and fluff.
We saw the radiation oncologist Friday and so far, he's Scott's favorite.  We go Monday for Scott's first tattoo (marking the spot with dots) and he will begin radiation mid week.  We are energized with taking action!  Radiation will pair with the drug therapy that the molecular breakdown tells them to use to attack.  Another biopsy is to come and we will wait for more direction beyond radiation.

We fight daily to stand on what God is saying to us RIGHT NOW.  Because sometimes in the wait, there's too much time for other voices. The enemy waits at my bedside ready to read to me from his long list of lies each morning, and I have to wake up with my sword and armor or anxiety rules and I want to cover my head and evaporate. 

Sometimes I fight the fear that the future and God's blessings are left dependent on my amount of faith.  Like if I get scared or sad, God will withhold.  Then God will faithfully remind me of His Word and stories flash in place of the lies.  I think about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and up to the Red Sea.  You know not a one of them had imagined some creative way the story would go as they approached! Instead they were moaning and wailing about how God had brought them all that way just to let them die.  God told them stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord work for you today!  He told Moses to tell them to go forward!  They couldn't lay around in the fetal position, wondering if the Lord would act.  They had to walk toward the water!  The object of their impending doom.  Watch the Lord work for you today.  God's action was not dependent on how much the Israelites could predict what God might do.  It was in the unlimited power of their God.  They just had to walk to the water.

And that's where we are.  We are walking toward the water.  We don't know what the plan is.  We don't have clear direction.  My personality would love a road map with colored tabs and clarity.  But if you ask me who is in charge of my life, I say the Lord is.  Not Lauren and her map.  Now it's just putting my money where my mouth is.  If I believe that God is that same God that parted that sea, then I have to close my eyes, take His hand, and approach the water! 

Come to the water with us!  Ask God to part seas!  Ask Him to make Himself known in all the steps!  Your texts, messages, drop by's, shopping, phone calls....it means more than you know.  We recount almost daily, the ways we see God in our midst, and so often it is in the way people are loving us.  Know that it is seen and felt. 

KU Med

It's been a few days since I've written...and any nerves you feel in the waiting, be assured are giving you just a glimpse into ours.  I don't have much to say.  We are in a waiting period.  You rush and you wait.  I pushed for the next appointment with an oncologist here, only to dread the meeting. 

We were able to get a late meeting this afternoon.  The patient advocate (she has a different title) was refreshing.  I had to start at square 1 with her, which isn't fun.  But she listened and promised she would treat it like her baby.  I described him-- "6'2, 200some pounds :), and he could pick up your washing machine right now!"  Originally scheduled for Wednesday, I said "not soon enough".  She called back with today's Monday appointment.  She was a bit of light in darkness. 

People have asked my mom if I'm really as good as I sound.  Sometimes.  And yes.  The answer is complicated.  This period of unknown brings a lot of questions and fear.  We feel it all at the 10th decibel!  When your little kids are having bad dreams and your big kids have questions you can't answer...you fight to put the armor on for this fight EVERY DAY.  Some days a text message- someone promising to fight with us-is enough to put one foot in front of the other. 

We trust that God is at work even when we cannot see Him. That's what faith is after all-being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.  There's very few things I am certain of right now.  That God still sits on the throne is one of them. 

I chewed on Psalm 62 today.  

5-6 says:

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory,

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

I am hiding in that refuge today.  In silence, waiting.  

The Giant

People have asked how to pray for us.  It's a hard question sometimes-when it feels like I'm living in someone else's story, someone else's body-to be able to get clear enough eyes and head to answer the question.  Some have asked God themselves what to pray and have shared what He said-even written their prayers out to us.  A couple in particular we have trusted as God's words to us.  I'll share those someday.
Today it feels like there's a raging sea in me.  It calms, and then wind comes and the waves get big.  I feel them in my throat and then it settles.  It makes me sound unstable.  But there's much Scripture about Jesus calming the storm-about Him being the anchor.  I KNOW He commands the sea, and the tide; He tells it where to stop and start.  Today, you can pray for the sea in me.

Scott went to work today, which feels weird.  As if I can control the situation and keep him safe, if he is near for me to stare at!  Silly.  Again, the sea.  We spoke this morning and are chewing on the story of David and Goliath--the kid and the giant.  David was handsome ya know-super appropriate!

I sat in my car at Target and read parts of this aloud, tears rolling down my cheeks.  If you saw me, hopefully you prayed out loud, instead of questioning my sanity.  There is power in God's Word.  It is living and active--it cuts through joints and marrow (Praise Him for that!), it never returns void.  It is the Rock we stand on and it doesn't fail.  So if you're unsure of how to pray for us today, read this with us today.  Bold and proud somewhere, alone in your home, wherever you want.  I encourage you to read the whole thing (1 Samuel 17--I only put part below)--get the context and the feel.  Feel their fear and doubt.  Don't get distracted by describing words and places you don't know how to pronounce.  When you get to the bold parts, read it loud.  We have a battle that isn't with sword and spear--we are fighting this giant with the Lord of hosts! 

1 Samuel 17 (part of it)

24 All the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him and were much afraid. 25 And the men of Israel said, “Have you seen this man who has come up? Surely he has come up to defy Israel. And the king will enrich the man who kills him with great riches and will give him his daughter and make his father's house free in Israel.” 26 And David said to the men who stood by him, “What shall be done for the man who kills this Philistine and takes away the reproach from Israel? For who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?” 27 And the people answered him in the same way, “So shall it be done to the man who kills him.”

28 Now Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spoke to the men. And Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, “Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.” 29 And David said, “What have I done now? Was it not but a word?” 30 And he turned away from him toward another, and spoke in the same way, and the people answered him again as before.

31 When the words that David spoke were heard, they repeated them before Saul, and he sent for him. 32 And David said to Saul, “Let no man's heart fail because of him. Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine.” 33 And Saul said to David, “You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him, for you are but a youth, and he has been a man of war from his youth.” 34 But David said to Saul, “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father. And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock, 35 I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth. And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him. 36 Your servant has struck down both lions and bears, and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.” 37 And David said, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you!”

38 Then Saul clothed David with his armor. He put a helmet of bronze on his head and clothed him with a coat of mail, 39 and David strapped his sword over his armor. And he tried in vain to go, for he had not tested them. Then David said to Saul, “I cannot go with these, for I have not tested them.” So David put them off. 40 Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones from the brook and put them in his shepherd's pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine.

41 And the Philistine moved forward and came near to David, with his shield-bearer in front of him. 42 And when the Philistine looked and saw David, he disdained him, for he was but a youth, ruddy and handsome in appearance. 43 And the Philistine said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. 44 The Philistine said to David, “Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field.” 

45 Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, 47 and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand.”

Crazy Train

I don't have much to say...and for those who know me well, you know that's uncommon.  Thank me later.

Facts: We have an 8:45 oncology appointment tomorrow.  It will likely be without biopsy results and therefore is mostly to be a face to the oncologist here.

Fluff:  We are good but we are human.  My stomach hurts a lot.  I woke up at 5:30 this morning, nervous for no real apparent reason--and by 6 am, my phone was blowing up with Scripture and encouragement.  People are writing out their prayers to us.  Timely, Spirit filled prayers when my words are coming up short.  We probably get teary and emotional most when talking about people who are loving us well and how God is coming near that way.  It's overwhelming.

I will say, I had NO IDEA how much music would mean to me this week.  I don't know that I would think first to send someone a song during a hard time.  This week has changed that!  Close friends, friends from the past, people from other churches are flooding my texts and facebook messages with songs filled with God's Word.  It has literally been life giving.  I wanted to share some of them with you, so that as you fight with us, we can be singing together.  I sang words to Promises outloud on a walking trail today.  I don't care that I looked crazy.  Join me on the crazy train if you'd like!

Promises by Maverick City Music

Near to Me by I Am They

You Won't Let Go by Cory Asbury

Famous For by Tauren Wells

You've Always Been by Unspoken

PEACE by Hillsong Young & Free

The Psalms album by Shane and Shane

Once and For All by Lauren Daigle

Waymaker by Leeland

Surrounded by Upper Room

At the Pleasure of the King

We got news today.  The efficiency of Mayo is both wonderful and scary--our phone rang sooner than we expected.  The PET scan results this morning are already back.  There are other spots of cancer, not just in Scott's neck.  We don't know how many or where specifically.  We know our plans change a bit--but after only a 3 minute conversation with that gentle doctor, that's really all we know. They will biopsy his neck again-this time taking a bigger amount.  The biopsy will give the oncologist we will meet with here direction--immunotherapy? Chemotherapy?  We are waiting on the appointment time with oncology and will get the doctors plan of action at that time...

Here's the thing--the gentle confidence of the doctors yesterday, while calming, isn't what we stand on.  We stand on God alone.  That is still true about what will be said in coming days!  Stage?  Prognosis?  It doesn't really matter.  Scott has said it over and over: "We serve at the pleasure of the King".  And when our assignment is up, it's up.  UNTIL THEN, we will fight.  And take meds.  And keep living.  We walked over 12 miles yesterday!  Scott feels great!  We have danced and laughed today.   This isn't a death sentence.  Only the King that gives out the assignments tells us when the assignment is complete.

For now, we will see what course of action is suggested and best, knowing that God's plan will prevail.  Please hear my voice in this--We are okay!  We still have a lot of unknowns.  We fully expect them to sound scary tomorrow--and we're prepared for that.  But that's because we know the King. 

Appointment and CT

Hi friends! I'll do this in 2 parts-

For those that just want facts:
8AM appt. went well--saw the Dr/surgeon and his team
3:25 CT scan
Scheduled PET scan for 8AM tomorrow

If you're a guy and that's all you want, stop reading.

For those that like the fluffy stuff:
The appointment this morning was just another display of Mayo's excellence and streamlined process.  We got in on time.  The doctor, the physicians assistant, the nursing staff...everyone treats you like a human and is patient and kind. It's surreal. They immediately began speaking about the reports from KC with knowledge and confidence.  The doctor has a gentleness about him.  Not in a flighty sort of way, but that felt grandpa-like.  He asked and listened about our kids.  But when he spoke about Scott's pathology reports, he was confident, not cocky, and it brought peace. It was as if God was being gentle with us, after having felt so nervous last week.  They presented options based on what the CT and PET scan will show.  They took fear out of words like aggressive and rare, and instead said what is rare elsewhere, isn't rare to them.  It was as if God whispered "I told you nothing surprises me."  Now don't hear me saying I think these men were speaking God's words or even know Him...I don't know.  But I do believe God met us in that room and had words specifically for us.  It is Him that we stand on-not what the doctors said.

Plans for the CT and PET scan were immediately put into place.  CT was at 3:25 this afternoon and quick!  I sat outside at a table listening to songs people had sent and trying to read a bit--more Psalm 77.  Scott was done so quick, I didn't get far!

We feel peace today--peace that we know the world doesn't give but that MUST be from God.  The prayers and encouragement are reminders that we are not alone and that you are fighting on our behalf!  We feel it! 

We wait for for the PET scan in the morning.  You can join us in praying that the PET scan shows NO cancer elsewhere!  That's our current bold ask! 

"Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts". 

Isaiah 26:8

His name and His fame are what we are after.  And food for dinner. :)

Lauren

One obstacle down

Scott and I left early this morning and headed to Mayo.  A quieter than usual 7 hour drive, but full of worship music (and a little Sam Hunt), encouraging calls and texts!  He was scheduled for a 3:10 COVID test and 3:20 bloodwork.  He was done with both by 3:19.  This place is a well oiled machine!! I sat praying during the first test that God would clear all the obstacles, including not having the coronavirus. Many of you have prayed with us for this...including our little 6 year old's voice asking God the last couple of nights that his dad wouldn't have the corona. :)

Long story short--by the time we ate and came back to our room....Scott's NEGATIVE COVID-19 test was uploaded!  This is a huge relief so that we don't have to be separated or treated like we have leprosy.  Tomorrow's appointment is at 8AM. 

Let me just say--people's texts, drops offs, song sending--it's so uplifting. We never know which text might make us well up with tears.  We opened packages of gift cards when we got to the hotel, each with places researched and known to be close to Mayo!  Women showed up and cleaned my house this morning! It's shocking the condition I left my house in, but their kindness overrides my embarrassment.  People serving us puts wind in our sails.  It helps us understand and know joy in trial.  Our kids are being well take care of.

We've been chewing on Psalm 77 since Thursday.  Verses 11-14:

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.  I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples."  

Even typing it, I want to say it outloud! "What god is great like our God?"  It is not hard to see and recount His deeds, His works, His love, His provision right now.   It could get harder to remember in coming days, while not less true.  We will continue to recount what we know about Him and how we see Him at work.  And many of you are some of those deeds that we recount.  Thank you!  Really, truly, we are grateful.

The New Journey

Scott has cancer.  I don't know how else to say it.  It's like a cuss word. I didn't mean to be vague when I posted about the Church being amazing on social media.  God's Church.  But it's also hard to out your stuff.  So my posts going forward will be to update on Scott's prognosis, the treatment, and most important ALL that our God does in and through us through this journey. 

Scott found a lump near the base of his neck sometime in May.  Between appointments for ultrasound and biopsy taking far longer than we'd like, we got a call on July 1st that something is indeed growing...and on July 9th, that it's cancer.  The appointment on the 9th didn't tell us much more than that--but words like rare, aggressive, and concerning were used.  The doctor handed me papers--pathology reports and ultrasound reads, and told me to begin keeping a notebook.  Those words were so heavy to me, I wanted to be sucked out by a large vacuum.  That sounded serious to me. I'm not sure I heard much else, but we know he needs a CT and PET scan.  We didn't want to wait for those things to be scheduled in the coming weeks, so Scott and I leave tomorrow morning for Mayo Clinic.  We have an appointment Monday morning and are so grateful for the ball to be rolling!

Let me make clear that we know that there's still a lot that we don't know!  We don't really know what kind, what treatment, what stage.  But here's what we DO KNOW:  We know that God's people have surrounded us in an insane way!  We have been flooded with encouragement.  My house got a grocery drop off that was huge, even for our family!! We have gift cards being dropped off.  People checking on my kids. WE ARE BLESSED.
We KNOW that Our God is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine and we are standing on His promises.  And when I wasn't sure I could stand--I could feel the notes and texts from 2 dear friends acting as my legs.  Their timely texts, filled with Scripture and songs have held me up.  We KNOW that Scott is loved and held by the Lord and has had some really cool moments with Him just this week.  We know God's Word is living and active and sharper than a double edged sword--and we invite you to get in it.  Chew on it.  Pray with it with us!!