I had a big, whiskey barrel looking sign in my entryway for a long time that said "I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, I believe in love even when I cannot feel it, I believe in God even when He is silent". It's words that were written on a cellar wall during the Holocaust. I love it. There was even a song years ago that said something like it. Believing God even when He's silent. I have always wanted big faith. As a kid, I would lay awake sometimes, dreaming of things that I could do that were bigger than myself. I never wanted to be normal or average in anything, really, but especially in my faith. And I suppose I've had opportunities to demonstrate that faith over years in what now looks like much smaller chunks. This--cancer--the journey that this is is a very different testing ground.
These last few weeks have been extremely hard. The back and forth of the weather brought bone pain, high out-of whack emotions, and some things that can only be explained as spiritual warfare. Scott's a trooper even on harder days-- he works, he's on the treadmill almost daily, he's eating and drinking all the right things to try to feel the best he possibly can. But when your body is fighting off the effects of chemo and radiation so hard, it comes with these hard days and we just get depleted. Physically he is depleted for sure; chemo is so rough. But emotionally and spiritually...we just get weary.
Then yesterday, we got word that Scott's potassium level was in a dangerous range. Ugh, one more thing it seemed. And although we were able to get him physically where things needed to be....I couldn't get a phone call back from our oncologist. Not a single person could find the time to answer an "urgent page" to give us some direction. The lioness was awoken! I found myself bubbling, more and more, as every hour went by with no phone call--"WHERE IS SOMEONE THAT GIVES A RATS REAR END ABOUT US? WHERE IS A DOCTOR THAT KNOWS OUR NAMES? A DOCTOR THAT SAYS -'I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM SCOTT AND LAUREN IN AWHILE, I SHOULD CHECK ON THEM'." Today, as Scott and I were recounting some of the frustrations he was feeling, I heard those questions creep up even louder in my gut. Tears instantly in my eyes and my fists probably clenched. It makes me want to fight. And quietly I heard God say "I know your name. You are mine. Is it enough?'
Eek. Is it enough for me? Is He enough for me? Do I believe Him when I feel like He's being silent? How much do I love that phrase now? It's almost comical.
Now don't hear me saying that trusting God means I'm done with my frustrations and I do nothing. In fact, I believe what raised up in me yesterday is the Holy Spirit giving me some direction. Ideas and thoughts have popped into my mind that are not mine. They are Him seeing me. Loving me. Loving Scott. And He is moving.
But what it does mean is that I am re-centered back to Who is doing the healing, not what. I am brought back to Who is the doctor and Who I rely on. And He is enough for me. He is enough to heal Scott. He is enough to protect us. He is all I need. I know it! I am grateful for the reminders because it is dumbfounding that He speaks to me! It is stretching me and as much as it pains me to say it, it is the testing of that faith I wanted to have so badly. I do believe in God even when He is silent. When He is silent, He is moving.
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We have a CT coming up next Friday, the 29th and a follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist on February 3rd. We would love your prayers! If you like the practical-what are we doing to address the cancer talk-message me. We are doing a combo of traditional and holistic things that may bore some of you to tears, but I'm happy to share.
