Drug Therapy-Next Steps

 Being honest, I don't want to write.  And it's not because I have anything hard or bad to say....I guess sometimes not talking about things can feel almost temporarily normal.  

Scott had a follow up appointment yesterday with the medical oncologist we're working with at KU.  We were expecting the molecular breakdown to be back so we could know if a targeted drug treatment plan was an option.  It's not back yet.  No one seems to feel quite as impatient about that as I do.  They say it's normal and we should have that this week.  The hard part is what we call having eaten the apple--we've seen the scans.  You can't unsee it.  And no matter how hard we play mental gymnastics, you have to wonder what that cancer is doing in there!  We want it gone!  

So the plan right now is tentative...Scott is scheduled to start a combo chemotherapy next Wednesday.  He will get infusions for 7 straight hours, just one day, and repeat 3 weeks later.  It's a more standard, stereotypical chemo--may be nauseated, fatigued, lose his hair, etc.  This is the plan IF the molecular breakdown says that a targeted approach wouldn't be better.  IF it shows that there's a targeted approach, we will begin that next week.  Either way, we have a plan. 

That should all feel good and productive.  And in a way it does.  I guess I just remembered yesterday that Scott has cancer.  I know...duh.  But man, it's a mental, emotional, physical fight every single day to ward off the Enemy...to fight the thoughts and fears.  And sometimes you are able to coast for just a few days, or even a week and feel like Scott and Lauren.  But yesterday, my guard came down a bit and I felt human and vulnerable.   Like I was cheerleading and jumping up and down to a crowd in bleachers full of scientists and serious faces that made no expression.  It's exhausting!  And I kind of broke down.  I'm sad that Scott has to go through this.  I'm anxious about the future.  I'm unsure of what God is going to do.  And you wonder in moments of humanity if He's working-if He's moving.  Are you putting a tsunami in there God?  Are you hearing the prayers of a 6 year old and sweeping it out like dust?  

But again, when there's much I don't know....there are things I do know.  I know that God has been active in parts of every day.  We have seen His love and presence in some great Spirit filled conversations with our kids.  We see Him not forgetting us when our friends, who have lives and kids, still text and pray with Spirit-led words and Scripture.  I hear Him in worship songs.  I see Him in Scott-when I wonder how this is a loving story and God gently reminds me that the way Scott loves me is God in Him.  And I just cry singing "He is jealous for me....I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...He loves us".  I know our God doesn't sleep--and he's not asleep on the job here.  And I feel immature and faithless that I rely on the reminders of that every day.  But like a friend reminded me today, God isn't looking for spiritual giants and theologians.  He is looking for us to walk with Him.  To lean into Him.  To dwell with Him.  So here I am, dwelling.  Pressing in, when I want to pull back.  Because I know that no matter what I don't know...that He is still on the throne and He is still with me.  Just those 2 things together are mind blowing.  The God of the Universe is with me.  Wow.  Hang out there today.