Walking to the water

A little update--fact and fluff.
We saw the radiation oncologist Friday and so far, he's Scott's favorite.  We go Monday for Scott's first tattoo (marking the spot with dots) and he will begin radiation mid week.  We are energized with taking action!  Radiation will pair with the drug therapy that the molecular breakdown tells them to use to attack.  Another biopsy is to come and we will wait for more direction beyond radiation.

We fight daily to stand on what God is saying to us RIGHT NOW.  Because sometimes in the wait, there's too much time for other voices. The enemy waits at my bedside ready to read to me from his long list of lies each morning, and I have to wake up with my sword and armor or anxiety rules and I want to cover my head and evaporate. 

Sometimes I fight the fear that the future and God's blessings are left dependent on my amount of faith.  Like if I get scared or sad, God will withhold.  Then God will faithfully remind me of His Word and stories flash in place of the lies.  I think about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and up to the Red Sea.  You know not a one of them had imagined some creative way the story would go as they approached! Instead they were moaning and wailing about how God had brought them all that way just to let them die.  God told them stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord work for you today!  He told Moses to tell them to go forward!  They couldn't lay around in the fetal position, wondering if the Lord would act.  They had to walk toward the water!  The object of their impending doom.  Watch the Lord work for you today.  God's action was not dependent on how much the Israelites could predict what God might do.  It was in the unlimited power of their God.  They just had to walk to the water.

And that's where we are.  We are walking toward the water.  We don't know what the plan is.  We don't have clear direction.  My personality would love a road map with colored tabs and clarity.  But if you ask me who is in charge of my life, I say the Lord is.  Not Lauren and her map.  Now it's just putting my money where my mouth is.  If I believe that God is that same God that parted that sea, then I have to close my eyes, take His hand, and approach the water! 

Come to the water with us!  Ask God to part seas!  Ask Him to make Himself known in all the steps!  Your texts, messages, drop by's, shopping, phone calls....it means more than you know.  We recount almost daily, the ways we see God in our midst, and so often it is in the way people are loving us.  Know that it is seen and felt. 

KU Med

It's been a few days since I've written...and any nerves you feel in the waiting, be assured are giving you just a glimpse into ours.  I don't have much to say.  We are in a waiting period.  You rush and you wait.  I pushed for the next appointment with an oncologist here, only to dread the meeting. 

We were able to get a late meeting this afternoon.  The patient advocate (she has a different title) was refreshing.  I had to start at square 1 with her, which isn't fun.  But she listened and promised she would treat it like her baby.  I described him-- "6'2, 200some pounds :), and he could pick up your washing machine right now!"  Originally scheduled for Wednesday, I said "not soon enough".  She called back with today's Monday appointment.  She was a bit of light in darkness. 

People have asked my mom if I'm really as good as I sound.  Sometimes.  And yes.  The answer is complicated.  This period of unknown brings a lot of questions and fear.  We feel it all at the 10th decibel!  When your little kids are having bad dreams and your big kids have questions you can't answer...you fight to put the armor on for this fight EVERY DAY.  Some days a text message- someone promising to fight with us-is enough to put one foot in front of the other. 

We trust that God is at work even when we cannot see Him. That's what faith is after all-being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.  There's very few things I am certain of right now.  That God still sits on the throne is one of them. 

I chewed on Psalm 62 today.  

5-6 says:

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,

for my hope is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation,

my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory,

my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

I am hiding in that refuge today.  In silence, waiting.  

The Giant

People have asked how to pray for us.  It's a hard question sometimes-when it feels like I'm living in someone else's story, someone else's body-to be able to get clear enough eyes and head to answer the question.  Some have asked God themselves what to pray and have shared what He said-even written their prayers out to us.  A couple in particular we have trusted as God's words to us.  I'll share those someday.
Today it feels like there's a raging sea in me.  It calms, and then wind comes and the waves get big.  I feel them in my throat and then it settles.  It makes me sound unstable.  But there's much Scripture about Jesus calming the storm-about Him being the anchor.  I KNOW He commands the sea, and the tide; He tells it where to stop and start.  Today, you can pray for the sea in me.

Scott went to work today, which feels weird.  As if I can control the situation and keep him safe, if he is near for me to stare at!  Silly.  Again, the sea.  We spoke this morning and are chewing on the story of David and Goliath--the kid and the giant.  David was handsome ya know-super appropriate!

I sat in my car at Target and read parts of this aloud, tears rolling down my cheeks.  If you saw me, hopefully you prayed out loud, instead of questioning my sanity.  There is power in God's Word.  It is living and active--it cuts through joints and marrow (Praise Him for that!), it never returns void.  It is the Rock we stand on and it doesn't fail.  So if you're unsure of how to pray for us today, read this with us today.  Bold and proud somewhere, alone in your home, wherever you want.  I encourage you to read the whole thing (1 Samuel 17--I only put part below)--get the context and the feel.  Feel their fear and doubt.  Don't get distracted by describing words and places you don't know how to pronounce.  When you get to the bold parts, read it loud.  We have a battle that isn't with sword and spear--we are fighting this giant with the Lord of hosts! 

1 Samuel 17 (part of it)

24 All the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him and were much afraid. 25 And the men of Israel said, “Have you seen this man who has come up? Surely he has come up to defy Israel. And the king will enrich the man who kills him with great riches and will give him his daughter and make his father's house free in Israel.” 26 And David said to the men who stood by him, “What shall be done for the man who kills this Philistine and takes away the reproach from Israel? For who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?” 27 And the people answered him in the same way, “So shall it be done to the man who kills him.”

28 Now Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spoke to the men. And Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, “Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.” 29 And David said, “What have I done now? Was it not but a word?” 30 And he turned away from him toward another, and spoke in the same way, and the people answered him again as before.

31 When the words that David spoke were heard, they repeated them before Saul, and he sent for him. 32 And David said to Saul, “Let no man's heart fail because of him. Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine.” 33 And Saul said to David, “You are not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him, for you are but a youth, and he has been a man of war from his youth.” 34 But David said to Saul, “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father. And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock, 35 I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth. And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him. 36 Your servant has struck down both lions and bears, and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.” 37 And David said, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” And Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you!”

38 Then Saul clothed David with his armor. He put a helmet of bronze on his head and clothed him with a coat of mail, 39 and David strapped his sword over his armor. And he tried in vain to go, for he had not tested them. Then David said to Saul, “I cannot go with these, for I have not tested them.” So David put them off. 40 Then he took his staff in his hand and chose five smooth stones from the brook and put them in his shepherd's pouch. His sling was in his hand, and he approached the Philistine.

41 And the Philistine moved forward and came near to David, with his shield-bearer in front of him. 42 And when the Philistine looked and saw David, he disdained him, for he was but a youth, ruddy and handsome in appearance. 43 And the Philistine said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. 44 The Philistine said to David, “Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field.” 

45 Then David said to the Philistine, “You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, 47 and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand.”

Crazy Train

I don't have much to say...and for those who know me well, you know that's uncommon.  Thank me later.

Facts: We have an 8:45 oncology appointment tomorrow.  It will likely be without biopsy results and therefore is mostly to be a face to the oncologist here.

Fluff:  We are good but we are human.  My stomach hurts a lot.  I woke up at 5:30 this morning, nervous for no real apparent reason--and by 6 am, my phone was blowing up with Scripture and encouragement.  People are writing out their prayers to us.  Timely, Spirit filled prayers when my words are coming up short.  We probably get teary and emotional most when talking about people who are loving us well and how God is coming near that way.  It's overwhelming.

I will say, I had NO IDEA how much music would mean to me this week.  I don't know that I would think first to send someone a song during a hard time.  This week has changed that!  Close friends, friends from the past, people from other churches are flooding my texts and facebook messages with songs filled with God's Word.  It has literally been life giving.  I wanted to share some of them with you, so that as you fight with us, we can be singing together.  I sang words to Promises outloud on a walking trail today.  I don't care that I looked crazy.  Join me on the crazy train if you'd like!

Promises by Maverick City Music

Near to Me by I Am They

You Won't Let Go by Cory Asbury

Famous For by Tauren Wells

You've Always Been by Unspoken

PEACE by Hillsong Young & Free

The Psalms album by Shane and Shane

Once and For All by Lauren Daigle

Waymaker by Leeland

Surrounded by Upper Room

At the Pleasure of the King

We got news today.  The efficiency of Mayo is both wonderful and scary--our phone rang sooner than we expected.  The PET scan results this morning are already back.  There are other spots of cancer, not just in Scott's neck.  We don't know how many or where specifically.  We know our plans change a bit--but after only a 3 minute conversation with that gentle doctor, that's really all we know. They will biopsy his neck again-this time taking a bigger amount.  The biopsy will give the oncologist we will meet with here direction--immunotherapy? Chemotherapy?  We are waiting on the appointment time with oncology and will get the doctors plan of action at that time...

Here's the thing--the gentle confidence of the doctors yesterday, while calming, isn't what we stand on.  We stand on God alone.  That is still true about what will be said in coming days!  Stage?  Prognosis?  It doesn't really matter.  Scott has said it over and over: "We serve at the pleasure of the King".  And when our assignment is up, it's up.  UNTIL THEN, we will fight.  And take meds.  And keep living.  We walked over 12 miles yesterday!  Scott feels great!  We have danced and laughed today.   This isn't a death sentence.  Only the King that gives out the assignments tells us when the assignment is complete.

For now, we will see what course of action is suggested and best, knowing that God's plan will prevail.  Please hear my voice in this--We are okay!  We still have a lot of unknowns.  We fully expect them to sound scary tomorrow--and we're prepared for that.  But that's because we know the King. 

Appointment and CT

Hi friends! I'll do this in 2 parts-

For those that just want facts:
8AM appt. went well--saw the Dr/surgeon and his team
3:25 CT scan
Scheduled PET scan for 8AM tomorrow

If you're a guy and that's all you want, stop reading.

For those that like the fluffy stuff:
The appointment this morning was just another display of Mayo's excellence and streamlined process.  We got in on time.  The doctor, the physicians assistant, the nursing staff...everyone treats you like a human and is patient and kind. It's surreal. They immediately began speaking about the reports from KC with knowledge and confidence.  The doctor has a gentleness about him.  Not in a flighty sort of way, but that felt grandpa-like.  He asked and listened about our kids.  But when he spoke about Scott's pathology reports, he was confident, not cocky, and it brought peace. It was as if God was being gentle with us, after having felt so nervous last week.  They presented options based on what the CT and PET scan will show.  They took fear out of words like aggressive and rare, and instead said what is rare elsewhere, isn't rare to them.  It was as if God whispered "I told you nothing surprises me."  Now don't hear me saying I think these men were speaking God's words or even know Him...I don't know.  But I do believe God met us in that room and had words specifically for us.  It is Him that we stand on-not what the doctors said.

Plans for the CT and PET scan were immediately put into place.  CT was at 3:25 this afternoon and quick!  I sat outside at a table listening to songs people had sent and trying to read a bit--more Psalm 77.  Scott was done so quick, I didn't get far!

We feel peace today--peace that we know the world doesn't give but that MUST be from God.  The prayers and encouragement are reminders that we are not alone and that you are fighting on our behalf!  We feel it! 

We wait for for the PET scan in the morning.  You can join us in praying that the PET scan shows NO cancer elsewhere!  That's our current bold ask! 

"Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts". 

Isaiah 26:8

His name and His fame are what we are after.  And food for dinner. :)

Lauren

One obstacle down

Scott and I left early this morning and headed to Mayo.  A quieter than usual 7 hour drive, but full of worship music (and a little Sam Hunt), encouraging calls and texts!  He was scheduled for a 3:10 COVID test and 3:20 bloodwork.  He was done with both by 3:19.  This place is a well oiled machine!! I sat praying during the first test that God would clear all the obstacles, including not having the coronavirus. Many of you have prayed with us for this...including our little 6 year old's voice asking God the last couple of nights that his dad wouldn't have the corona. :)

Long story short--by the time we ate and came back to our room....Scott's NEGATIVE COVID-19 test was uploaded!  This is a huge relief so that we don't have to be separated or treated like we have leprosy.  Tomorrow's appointment is at 8AM. 

Let me just say--people's texts, drops offs, song sending--it's so uplifting. We never know which text might make us well up with tears.  We opened packages of gift cards when we got to the hotel, each with places researched and known to be close to Mayo!  Women showed up and cleaned my house this morning! It's shocking the condition I left my house in, but their kindness overrides my embarrassment.  People serving us puts wind in our sails.  It helps us understand and know joy in trial.  Our kids are being well take care of.

We've been chewing on Psalm 77 since Thursday.  Verses 11-14:

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old.  I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples."  

Even typing it, I want to say it outloud! "What god is great like our God?"  It is not hard to see and recount His deeds, His works, His love, His provision right now.   It could get harder to remember in coming days, while not less true.  We will continue to recount what we know about Him and how we see Him at work.  And many of you are some of those deeds that we recount.  Thank you!  Really, truly, we are grateful.

The New Journey

Scott has cancer.  I don't know how else to say it.  It's like a cuss word. I didn't mean to be vague when I posted about the Church being amazing on social media.  God's Church.  But it's also hard to out your stuff.  So my posts going forward will be to update on Scott's prognosis, the treatment, and most important ALL that our God does in and through us through this journey. 

Scott found a lump near the base of his neck sometime in May.  Between appointments for ultrasound and biopsy taking far longer than we'd like, we got a call on July 1st that something is indeed growing...and on July 9th, that it's cancer.  The appointment on the 9th didn't tell us much more than that--but words like rare, aggressive, and concerning were used.  The doctor handed me papers--pathology reports and ultrasound reads, and told me to begin keeping a notebook.  Those words were so heavy to me, I wanted to be sucked out by a large vacuum.  That sounded serious to me. I'm not sure I heard much else, but we know he needs a CT and PET scan.  We didn't want to wait for those things to be scheduled in the coming weeks, so Scott and I leave tomorrow morning for Mayo Clinic.  We have an appointment Monday morning and are so grateful for the ball to be rolling!

Let me make clear that we know that there's still a lot that we don't know!  We don't really know what kind, what treatment, what stage.  But here's what we DO KNOW:  We know that God's people have surrounded us in an insane way!  We have been flooded with encouragement.  My house got a grocery drop off that was huge, even for our family!! We have gift cards being dropped off.  People checking on my kids. WE ARE BLESSED.
We KNOW that Our God is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine and we are standing on His promises.  And when I wasn't sure I could stand--I could feel the notes and texts from 2 dear friends acting as my legs.  Their timely texts, filled with Scripture and songs have held me up.  We KNOW that Scott is loved and held by the Lord and has had some really cool moments with Him just this week.  We know God's Word is living and active and sharper than a double edged sword--and we invite you to get in it.  Chew on it.  Pray with it with us!!