For better AND for worse

The last several weeks, I have written a post in my mind over and over, but never sat down to type.  Was it because I didn't know what to say?  Or because I didn't know if it was valuable?  I'm not sure.  But I know an update is needed.  I know so many of you are praying.  So many have reached out!  I promise your prayers are felt.  I know there are days I can only get out of bed because of them.  

Scott is in the hospital.  We went to the ER yesterday...after weeks of physical concerns but also some changes with anxiety and emotions that make it hard to evaluate the difference between what is being felt physically and mentally.  A few newer symptoms made me call the doctor yesterday and have him checked out. 

One nice thing about being in the hospital is that everything that needs to be done can be done here.  No appointment in a week kind of stuff.  He is getting ultrasounds, an MRI, and a blood transfusion today.  They are turning over many rocks to figure out why the weakness in his legs and overall strength has declined so rapidly.  For that I am grateful.  And a lot of things they have addressed are improving so that is good news! 

The last few weeks have been super hard.  Scott has needed help with things he would have never asked for before.  He is frustrated and hurting, sometimes both physically and mentally.  He has apologized over and over, as if this is his fault and I am frustrated with him.  I am not.  Cancer makes me angry.  My fear and sadness can sometimes make me mad.  But it is an absolute pleasure to serve and love my husband that loves me so well.  For almost 13 years (and how much before is debatable ;) he has loved and served me every day.  He thinks of my needs and my wants on his worse days.  Just last week, he was walking very little, yet we were sitting in a truck in a field that he wants to make a pond.  He doesn't fish or find it important at all. But it is to me.  So it is to him.  He has gone to many a concert and bought many a gift, listened to many a story or entertained many an idea of something that he couldn't care less about, yet was important to me.  

The phrase 'for better or for worse' rings in my mind lately.  I even googled it--is it 'or' or 'and'?  According to google, it's 'or'.  Well, that's dumb.  There isn't an 'or', as if you get to choose one.  Marriage is both.  It's and!  Lots of better.  And some worse.  Sometimes things you can control that need forgiveness.  And sometimes things you cannot control and do not want.  But always 'and'.  For better and for worse.  I vowed to 'and'.   And it is not hard to love and serve him in 'and' because he has loved and served me in 'and' every day.  

Beginning at 3:00 today, we have several big tests and a blood transfusion, that will be spread out through the evening.  Please be praying.  We know that healing comes from the Lord.  We know what He is capable of and that He is always at work.  We know He sees things we do not and are asking that He allows these doctors and nurses to see some of that insight-to care for him in the best possible way.   I know God loves Scott more than I do.  That He loves my kids more than I do or even can.  We are asking for so much!  Please join us!