When He is Silent

I had a big, whiskey barrel looking sign in my entryway for a long time that said "I believe in the sun even when it is not shining, I believe in love even when I cannot feel it, I believe in God even when He is silent".  It's words that were written on a cellar wall during the Holocaust.  I love it.  There was even a song years ago that said something like it.  Believing God even when He's silent.  I have always wanted  big faith.  As a kid, I would lay awake sometimes, dreaming of things that I could do that were bigger than myself.  I never wanted to be normal or average in anything, really, but especially in my faith.  And I suppose I've had opportunities to demonstrate that faith over years in what now looks like much smaller chunks.  This--cancer--the journey that this is is a very different testing ground.  

These last few weeks have been extremely hard.  The back and forth of the weather brought bone pain, high out-of whack emotions, and some things that can only be explained as spiritual warfare.  Scott's a trooper even on harder days-- he works, he's on the treadmill almost daily, he's eating and drinking all the right things to try to feel the best he possibly can.  But when your body is fighting off the effects of chemo and radiation so hard, it comes with these hard days and we just get depleted.  Physically he is depleted for sure; chemo is so rough.  But emotionally and spiritually...we just get weary.  

Then yesterday, we got word that Scott's potassium level was in a dangerous range.  Ugh, one more thing it seemed.  And although we were able to get him physically where things needed to be....I couldn't get a phone call back from our oncologist.  Not a single person could find the time to answer an "urgent page" to give us some direction.  The lioness was awoken!  I found myself bubbling, more and more, as every hour went by with no phone call--"WHERE IS SOMEONE THAT GIVES A RATS REAR END ABOUT US?  WHERE IS A DOCTOR THAT KNOWS OUR NAMES?  A DOCTOR THAT SAYS -'I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM SCOTT AND LAUREN IN AWHILE, I SHOULD CHECK ON THEM'."  Today, as Scott and I were recounting some of the frustrations he was feeling, I heard those questions creep up even louder in my gut.  Tears instantly in my eyes and my fists probably clenched.  It makes me want to fight.  And quietly I heard God say "I know your name.  You are mine.  Is it enough?'

Eek.  Is it enough for me?  Is He enough for me?  Do I believe Him when I feel like He's being silent?  How much do I love that phrase now?  It's almost comical.

Now don't hear me saying that trusting God means I'm done with my frustrations and I do nothing.  In fact, I believe what raised up in me yesterday is the Holy Spirit giving me some direction.  Ideas and thoughts have popped into my mind that are not mine.  They are Him seeing me.  Loving me.  Loving Scott.  And He is moving.  

But what it does mean is that I am re-centered back to Who is doing the healing, not what.  I am brought back to Who is the doctor and Who I rely on.  And He is enough for me.  He is enough to heal Scott.  He is enough to protect us.  He is all I need.  I know it!  I am grateful for the reminders because it is dumbfounding that He speaks to me!  It is stretching me and as much as it pains me to say it, it is the testing of that faith I wanted to have so badly.  I do believe in God even when He is silent.  When He is silent, He is moving.  

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We have a CT coming up next Friday, the 29th and a follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist on February 3rd.  We would love your prayers!  If you like the practical-what are we doing to address the cancer talk-message me.  We are doing a combo of traditional and holistic things that may bore some of you to tears, but I'm happy to share.  

End of 2020

It's the last day of 2020 and it feels like I have so much to say and nothing to say at all.  I could say it's been the worst year of my life and I could say I've seen some of the best things in my life.  It's very weird.  

Sometimes it's difficult to find the words to update or the want-to.  Not for any particular reason.  But I also don't want to overlook and not give time to the things and people that have gone above and beyond in this hard season for us. The gifts we have received in the last month alone have been overwhelming.  Meaningful gifts.  Large fruit baskets because a neighbor hears we're trying to eat pretty healthy.  A homemade bottle of mustard seeds reminding us to have faith like Scripture says and that with God, nothing is impossible.   Cookie deliveries, meals even when we're not on a list anymore, and so much more!  And then friends who have a culdesac party, full of strobe lights and a live Santa to show us Christmas love!  I can't bring myself to take down that Christmas tree with the personal, signed, and thought-through ornaments.  The gift cards and monetary gifts that came that night and since....'thank you' doesn't even sound like the right words.  That people think of us, remember us, in a busy and often emotional season for others brings tears to our eyes often.  We have literally felt lifted and strengthened when we get a text message on days when we weren't soliciting prayers, but silently needed them.  These gifts are beyond what we could have imagined.  

Ending 2020 doesn't end our cancer journey.  I sure wish it did!  Today, Scott wrapped up his last day of 10 radiation treatments on a spot near his lung.  It was the spot that needed the most attention at this time and should be blasted.  Monday, he has a procedure to remove more fluid near that area which we did in October. There was always more fluid that may need removed and Scott actually looks forward to this relief.   We have no more treatments for now and we will have another look at things in February.  This is a time of recovery for Scott's body and a period of wait.  And really, we are waiting on the Lord alone.  We ask with faith and boldness, knowing that God alone can make healthy cells and kill the bad ones.  Please join us as we continue to ask God to stop cancer growth, even if it makes no sense.  We ask for God to show off and do what only He can! We ask for wisdom and discernment in our steps.

Scott has great days and feels almost normal.  And he has hard days where he feels fatigued, is confused by the response his body has to treatment, and feels discouraged.  We ride the roller coaster of many emotions and long for "normal".  But I will say, while our flesh is often unstable and feels a lot of things, our souls are firm.  Our guts stand firm on our God.  Even in anger and frustration, Scott is pressing on, trusting that "through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:5) .  Scott is the picture of endurance.  He is a fighter!  On his worst day, I will find him sweating on the treadmill.  He is never curled up in a ball quitting.  He is working and meeting with people and praying and fighting. And while we can't tell you what our 5 year goals are right now, or even 3 months, fighting and trusting is what we will continue to do.  

We are grateful for so many things in 2020!  This season has had a sweetness that I can't even explain.   I am more proud of our kids than I ever have been.  I am crazy about my husband.  We are thankful for little things in the every day.  Even boring days, like New Year's Eve where we might barely make it til 10pm.  We have celebrated more and loved deeply.   We've heard grown men say things they should have said years ago.  Friendships have deepened.  Our faiths have grown and we have had more intentional conversations in every environment we are in.  So much to be thankful for!  

Round five

We had the awaited appointment with the doctor Scott not so lovingly calls Pharaoh yesterday.  This is our after Round 4 discussion of the last CT scan and plan moving forward.  I prayed beforehand two simple things....1. That the doctor wouldn't be discouraging to Scott.  He is our most dreaded appointment-made obvious by high blood pressure and our affect when we leave.  And 2 for Spirit words. That we would know what God says.  That was it.  Well, in addition to my persistent pleas that God would wipe out this cancer in a way only explained by Him.  But yesterday, it was really just the 2.

The appointment was fine.  The CT was "stable" is the word.  The cancer shrunk some in a few areas, but for the most part stayed put.  The doctor spoke to Scott about his reactions and symptoms to the first 4 rounds.  For the most part, Scott is fortunate and isn't losing his cookies or struggling too terribly much.  Peeling finger nails, bone pain mid-round, and just overall yuckiness and fatigue.  But overall, we know we've been blessed with some minimal side effects and some days of normalcy.  Pharaoh didn't rush us.  Listened to some questions.  And basically gave us a choice of whether or not to do Round 5.  I sat in a tiny room, just the 3 of us asking the Lord to speak quickly and loud!  How are we supposed to make this decision?!?  We asked the doctor what he would do.  He recommended the fifth round to give this chemo it's maximum benefit and because Scott is handling this chemo relatively well.  I talked about asking the Lord in front of him.  We were desperate to hear.  He stepped out and we had 10 minutes. 

We had 10 minutes to decide if we were going to send Scott back into poison.  To process a "stable" CT.  What the heck?  Even the medical professional didn't have a black and white answer.  And I remembered I asked the Lord for a lack of discouragement and Spirit words.  We had to believe that Pharaoh was how God was speaking.  It was all we had.  So Scott did round 5 yesterday.  He called me less than an hour later, begging for a food delivery, because just the smell of that place makes him nauseated.  Chemo has a smell.  Foods he eats and places he goes on chemo day, become how chemo smells.  It has ruined some yummy things honestly. 

So overall, not bad news.  Scott called it victory because it wasn't growing! But nothing that blows your dress up either!  I'm not quite sure why it's so hard to process "stable".  To send him back in to something he hates and makes him feel like garbage.  Obviously because I love him.  But bigger than that.  How do you ask big and with expectation, and not get let down when it wasn't what you thought.  And I'm an expectations person.  I remember saying those exact words to Scott when we were friends, before dating.  I never knew where I stood with him and I told him "Look, I'm an expectations person.  I never know if we're friends, if you hate my guts, and I hate it.  So decide which guy you want to be and I'll let you know if I want to be friends with him."  I guess I've been an expectations person for awhile.  

And I must have inadvertently walked in yesterday expecting the big miracle already!  I maybe didn't even realize I was doing it.  Expecting them to say "We can't believe it!  It's nearly gone!".  It's the only way I can explain what a big disappointment "stable" was.  I cried a lot!  I drove out of the parking lot sort of yelling at the Lord "You could do this differently you know!  You are capable and I don't understand why you're doing it this way!"  I struggled off and on and at another point admitted "I just wanted the big miracle, God!"  I sounded like a brat. Gently, I felt Him say 'What if this is a miracle Lauren? It isn't growing.'  My mind quickly remembered 9 years ago when we got told no about adopting our kids.  If I remember correctly, the exact word stamped across our paperwork was DENIED.  I cried so hard that day, Scott walked off a golf course to meet me at home.  Those were my kids and I'd been told no.  BUT God made a way there.  Why it took almost 2 years to get kids that should have been easy to bring home, I may never know.  What I do know is He made a way.  And that His way is better than mine.  

Today, I've read or been sent the most timely of messages and songs.  Reminders of God's miracles, business of impossibility, and even that God has never been held back by prognosis.  Scott and I have read them together, cried through some of them, grateful for God to be so specific and personal.  We still don't necessarily like this.  Chemo is terrible.  Scott hates feeling cruddy, swelling, feeling fatigued, etc.  But we are fighting to Stand Firm.  It's what He has asked us to do repeatedly. Stand.  So on Him, we will. 

Confident expectation

 It's advent season--the season of the anticipation of expectation of the coming of Christ.  There's a few different versions and some including more chocolate than Jesus,  but our church began with Scott speaking on hope.  The cancer patient speaking on hope....during a pandemic.  Honestly, it wasn't hard to brainstorm how to talk about our hope in Christ--our confident expectation that he will be who He says He is and do what He says He will. We believe it!  Our hope isn't in whether or not God heals Scott or what the outcome is.  Our hope is in the reality that Jesus is all He says and we get to know Him, to live in His Kingdom now and forever.

But I gotta say, the warfare that began before this sermon and since, has been intense.   If you don't believe in spiritual warfare, we should get coffee!  Because we know there is a big, active personal God.  But there is also an enemy.  Having hope in the big picture doesn't make us not have feelings or keep us from being human.  And it certainly doesn't keep us from spiritual battle.  In fact, I might argue that the more we hope and bring God glory, the more the enemy wants to tear down.  Spiritual warfare comes at me differently than it may come at Scott.  For me, it acts like pictures and words spoken that flash across my mind like those children's toys from the 80's--the View Master.  Remember those?   It's like people's sad facial expressions, words of discouragement, medical terms and my attempt at understanding click-click through my mind like that toy.  Either way, as it came at Scott, it came at me.  When he felt down, I found it harder and harder to cheerlead.  Symptoms, new and old, cause questioning if this is due to chemo or cancer growth.  Are things moving backwards?  And now the snowball is rolling.  We begin to hear the enemy whisper "You're alone.  You've been abandoned.  You're foolish to believe."  

Friday night, we knew we had hit a wall.  There are moments when you're just flat angry.  Cancer has stolen so much.  And then you've got fights with your insurance company.  You're exhausted trying to hold not only yourself together, but trying to worry about those around you.   You're worn out fighting to believe boldly and keep fear at bay and you can almost feel your neck straining to keep above the water.  We were leaving town with our family and we just cried.  

I reached out to only a few friends asking them to pray that at a minimum, Scott could get enough relief to enjoy Saturday with our people. We woke up Saturday morning and he already felt better physically.  Thank you God!  Then we went to Silver Dollar City and God began to speak in the most amazing ways.

It started with one facebook message.  This friend is from 20 years ago and has now twice sent the most timely, discerning message. She sent a piece of Psalm 44 with a brief note that she wanted to share the hope it had brought her.

"It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face for you loved them. You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob. Though we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I put no trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame.  In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever. " Psalm 44:3-8 NIV (emphasis added)

I was instantly teary eyed.  Unfortunately, I'm also enough cynical to not want to take things at face value and argued with myself- 'Cancer isn't an enemy and that's not what this passage is talking about!'  Instantly, God reminded me that the enemy we were fighting this past week was Satan! He had sent us spiraling.  But my weapons, my words and attempts to punch him in the face are not what will beat him!  My God beats him!  He has and does and will again!  He wins the whole shebang and He will beat him for me today! It was so perfect, I was overwhelmed with emotion and shared it with Scott.  

A few hours later, we both received a text from a friend telling us how she had been praying.  She began before Scott preached the Sunday prior, but the Holy Spirit wouldn't let her stop after the sermon.  She continued praying for what?  For us to be able to take captive thoughts that were not obedient to Christ!  It was like she knew the specific struggle of the week.  That's how cool the Spirit is! 

And then a simple text-sent to Scott-stating that the Father wouldn't let him quit thinking about Scott and his family.  So simple.  Yet divine. 

3 different times, God came near to us.  He used His Word and His people to speak directly to our hearts and our circumstance.  Not change it completely but tell us that He loves us and is intimately acquainted.  And that we aren't forgotten.  By Him or others.  It gave us the push and strength to walk the coming few days before our appointment on Tuesday.  It helped us fight against the enemy with more umph and truth! 

Tomorrow, we hear about the last scan.  We saw scans after Round 2 and now again after Round 4.   It should give us some direction for what is next.  More chemo?  We've been asking not.  Radiation?  I've been asking God to eradicate the spots.  For Him to do a work that can only be explained by Him!  And we will give Him the glory!  Like the end of that Psalm 44 passage--we will boast in Him all day long! But until we hear, we know He is close to us.  We know He isn't sleeping or hands off.  We are hanging onto Him tightly, confidently expecting Him to be what only He can be----God.

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving day and it's safe to say that this year has been weird and hard for all of us.  Jobs lost, loved ones sick or gone, kids home more than ever, uncertainty...cancer.  It's a strange time.  But I woke up this morning and for some reason, it felt like Christmas morning to me.   My house was silent.  Scott was up early with me to get rolls to start rising.  And I just see things differently now. 

It's been the hardest 4 months of my life, hands down.  The months prior, the beginning of COVID, I could not have known how hard things were going to get.  How scary.  How uncertain.  But I also couldn't have predicted the absolute joy and love and support that would come from hanging on by a thread to my God and the way He has moved in His people to love us well.  I can't describe the daily feeling in my gut of fear surrounded by faith and prayers.  I can feel the fear overshadowed by some of you all praying specifically.  The way uncertainty and stress feels enveloped by encouragement and random acts of kindness and texts that lead me back to the One that holds me together.  It's hard to explain unless you've felt it.  

The update is that we are in the last week of Round 4 of chemo...and Scott has been to work more day this round than any other.  He looks strong, yet bald.  Different, but he's him.  I am more grateful for his health and time with him than I ever have been.  Every moment counts.  Sometimes tearful conversations you never wanted to have.  And sometimes him taking me shopping for "Hallmark coats" (don't ask) when he doesn't feel awesome.  He demonstrates Jesus to me daily. 

I am grateful for kids that want to be around us.  That eat with us and decorate for Christmas together.  Even when I know they feel the fear and uncertainty too.  I'm grateful that 8 years ago today, we boarded a plane with our 2 year old to go get 5 kids we'd never met in another country.  I'm overjoyed with the family God built for me.  He built something I could not have imagined I even wanted.

And in a way, that's what He's doing with cancer.  He is stretching our faith and our relationships with everyone around us.  Because we don't do fluffy much anymore!  If you want to talk about the weather, we are not your people! We are constantly pressing in to good things! He is building something in me that I don't want some days.  He is reminding me that this is not my home and that every day is precious on this temporary Earth that He will take away someday.  And that He writes better stories than I do.  

Today, I am thankful for His presence and the Holy Spirit.  That He changes me and shapes me.  I am thankful for a country where I can still sit in a restaurant and read my Bible.  Where I can openly talk about the Lord.  I am thankful that He hears me.  That when I continue to ask for BIG things, He doesn't push me away.  

I am thankful for all of you that continue to ask God specifically too.  For complete healing.  For the hearts of all that love Scott.  For me.  There are days I can't do it and I know some of you are doing it for me!  I am thankful for the body of Christ and that we can meet.  Masked or not, we can meet and worship.  We are blessed.

What's to come is unknown.  We have a scan December 3rd and it will determine more chemo, radiation only, or some combo.  We are asking God to do things only He can do and eradicate the cancer completely!  What He does is His deal and I make clear that everything thus far is Him everywhere we go!  If you want to know how to pray, pray for December 3rd.  Pray for His glory!  

Happy Thanksgiving friends!  Give thanks to Him in all circumstances!  He is worth it!  

Round 4

 After Round 3 and good news in the last post, we had a Groundhog Dayish few weeks of that round.  The first two weeks are a roller coaster of not-so-hot, better, then maybe not so great again.  The third week, we have come to to expect normalcy which is a welcome reprieve.  Scott usually returns to work whole days and is so close to himself, we almost forget cancer is still such a big part of our story.

We go tomorrow for Round 4.  We will have a brief appointment with the nurse practitioner and then he will sit and get injected with all kinds of things.  The next few weeks may potentially come with answers about how much chemo, is radiation coming soon, and what the plan might be going forward.  I say "may" and "might" because I've come to know not to put my confidence in doctors, in appointments, or even in hopes that their plan will be communicated verbally at all.  These recent months have brought new meaning to "one day at a time".  Looking too far out can almost bring me instant hyperventilation and it is subject to change anyway, so why waste the breath.  

I have been hanging on 2 Chronicles 20.  It's been sent to us multiple times, by different disconnected people, in different months.  I have picked it apart, taken notes, and just tried to figure out what God could possibly want to say to me in it.  The last several weeks, I have toggled between the Go...and Stand firm.  The people were told to go...and they moved.  And they were told to Stand Firm and watch God deliver them.   Action and ultimate trust.  Both. What is my go?  And what is my stand firm?  There is such a fine line between research, food, vitamins and minerals....and trusting that this is God's deal and His alone.  Where do I need to go (do) and where do I need to stand firm (trust)?  

We have walked out praying and continuing to ask God for the miracles we know He alone is capable of.  We have pursued wise reading and council regarding natural remedies and conversations about food as medicine.  We continue to do what the oncology world is telling us as well.  These 2 different worlds don't coexist super well so it requires us to advocate for ourselves and ask God what He wants from us. 

For now, we believe we have good balance.  We know without a shadow of a doubt that in our God alone do all things hold together.  We stand firm in that He loves us and is guiding us every minute.  We go when He says and wait when He says, the best we know how. 

Please pray for Scott and his side effects from these rounds of chemo.  Each round builds on the other and it really is straight poison.  He is a trooper and gets up, gets dressed and wears cologne, even on the days he feels like he got hit by a truck.  He rarely complains and is present with our kids and in his business.  But it is frustrating when your body doesn't do things perfectly and you feel weaker than before.  

Pray for our kids as this journey is very much theirs too.  Pray that they all continue to or seek the Lord for the first time throughout this.  He is the only One who can meet their needs.  

And pray that God is glorified in our lives and our story.  That we would have opportunities at every turn to talk about who He is to us and all that He is doing in our lives! That same 2 Chronicles passage says that when Jehoshaphat was scared, he set his face to seek the Lord.  I am working to keep my face set, even if the Lord is having to gently grab me by the chin sometimes to hold it there. 

Thank you for your continued prayers and love and support! 

Rejoicing today!

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

I AM GLAD!  So thrilled to get to tell you that in our very brief appointment this morning, we heard "the scans look good."  I asked her to repeat it and say things. look. good. again please! Every spot is responding and shrinking.  Whether it's chemo or diet or angel armies in there, we do not care!  We know the Lord is working!  We knew it before we walked in there because of many little signs and wonders that you'll have to ask us about in person!  For now, we rejoice in good scans!

Scott is celebrating alone in a chemo round 3 chair today.  I, on the other hand, am celebrating by telling everyone who might even care a little bit.  So rejoice with me or move along if you see me telling the Price Chopper cashier or any other stranger how great and kind my God is!

Thank you for all the prayers and tears of joy shared with us today!  Please don't stop, this is far from over!  This is just the beginning of God getting glory!  And glory He deserves!!

Stay in Today

Well, things change right?  Today, we thought we would be meeting with the oncologist to discuss the CT Scott had on Monday.  I tried hard not to get ahead of myself, but my mind started to plan for what he might say.  Is the cancer responding?  Maybe a miracle has already been happening!  I wanted to plan to celebrate... my humanity also wanted to prepare for harder news.  It's an emotional roller coaster looking ahead.

Instead, about 2:00 yesterday, Scott called leaving his primary care doctor and said that we needed to go to the ER; they thought he was in a-fib.  He came and got me and drove us to our 7 hour stay in KU's emergency room, which is nothing short of a movie scene!  His heart rate has been consistently high and stayed that way while we were there, in addition to a very elevated bp.  The ER docs got us in right away and began tests on his heart.  About 10:00 we were moved into a room to stay overnight.  Instead of our awaited appointment and round 3 of chemo today, we woke to an echocardiogram, an ultrasound of the heart, and many teams of doctors from cardiology to pulmonology to internal medicine. It's been a whirlwind.

I'll tell you, this morning, I wanted to stomp my feet a bit.  I was weary and sad and nervous and wanted today to be different!  But just because we aren't celebrating the cancer's response (we just don't know it yet and will reschedule), I'm reminded that we can celebrate right now.  I have to learn time and time again apparently to stay in today.  Celebrate today.  Hope for today.  My plans are just that--mine-- and God has said over and over to stand.  That He is fighting.  That He holds the future.  Him.

So today, we choose to celebrate today!

• There is nothing wrong with Scott's heart!  Absolutely nothing.  In fact, it wasn't really in a-fib after all and his heart function is excellent!
• Being in the ER highlighted some fluid on or near one of his lungs which could be the cause of his elevated heart rate and some other mild discomfort.  We didn't know about this fluid, although it apparently has been on other scans.  Without his pcp doing an EKG and sending him to the ER, we still would not know. 
• We saw numerous doctors and groups in a 24 hour time and almost everyone asked how we really were, stopped and listened, and thoroughly evaluated Scott like he mattered! They have tested and tested everything! We are so grateful!
• People's specific prayers have been answered today regarding our care, the doctors, Scott's bp and heart rate and much more! 

Now, we sit in the hospital still to have the fluid near his lung drained.  We may even be able to go home today and sleep in our own bed!  Another reason to celebrate! 

Just Enough

I must be due for an update.  I know when I start getting questions all at once.  And not that I avoid talking about things... but sometimes when normalcy kind of creeps in, I want to lay down and roll around in it.  So I've kind of been doing that for a few days.

We are in the 3rd week of the 2nd round of chemo.  Each round is 3 weeks long and having one under our belt was helpful, but not exactly a duplicate of the next. There were more days in this last week where we could pretend to not have cancer and be normal that I've almost been holding my breath for this week.  You don't even realize the pressure...until at one point this week, I consciously quit worrying about something kid related and didn't feel relief.  I told Scott it was like someone took a grape off the pile I'm carrying and in that moment, I remembered abruptly that I am carrying a load---fears, concerns, trying to decipher what I can and can't control.... and although my faith is in the Lord and He ultimately holds it all together, I am human.

We know we are super fortunate with how these chemo weeks have gone.  Scott doesn't feel overly nauseated and has relatively few days of terrible.  We have a few concerning symptoms that we are trying to understand and manage--and if we've learned anything, it's that we have to advocate for ourselves and figure some of this out.  But we also celebrate the good days.  We are so grateful he was able to travel out of town this weekend to watch one of our kids play soccer!  He is a tough guy for sure, and we are just blessed by how His body is handling this. We haven't had as many deep, aha moments.  But instead, the encouragement and text messages trickle in at the perfect time. People still aren't forgetting us which is staggering to me.  The Lord continues to provide just enough--with people's timely words for us, unexpected visits, meals.  He knows just what we need and we see His provision daily.

This week, Monday Scott has a COVID-19 test and CT and Wednesday we will meet to discuss what they saw.  He is scheduled for Round 3 of chemo as well, although this really hasn't been discussed with the Dr. This is the week for prayer warriors!  Not that God works in our time at all...but our minds do!  We will see if and how the cancer is responding!  We will be making decisions about continued and next steps.  Please pray that we will hear from God very specifically.  We want to do what He wants and live out our part obediently.  That balance is interesting sometimes. 

Red Day #2

We are wrapping up the last week of the chemo round and it is safe to say, it has had its ups and downs.  We think we learned the rhythm of these 3 weeks and are grateful to have ended on a high note--some very "normal" days where you could almost forget about cancer. Almost.

I like to watch shows and series right now that are nothing like my life.  So naturally, a recent favorite was about a female drug lord from Mexico.  When they would go to fight another cartel, they would meet up in some warehouse and line up all their weapons, making sure they had all the ammo and people they needed to win this fight.  Maybe not spiritual, but I have likened our week to that.  We are consciously laying out our weapons, making sure we have the ammo. Gearing up for the next fight.  I've been super grateful for laughter and a 3 mile walk with my husband-that I might have taken for granted previously. 

What's a shame...or human I suppose...is that on these "normal" days, you don't rely as heavily on Scripture and what God says like you did on the hardest, most confusing days.  I should own it--I found myself not relying on Scripture the same way.  I sat down one morning, forcing myself to slow down, and re-read some of the passages God has spoken so clearly through for us--Psalm 77, Proverbs 3, Exodus 14.  

Re-reading Exodus 14 even now....I see myself in them.  Right after the Red Sea parts--like right after--they're grumbling and wondering if or how God's going to provide.  Exodus 16 spoke to my heart--God was only going to give them a day's portion.  Just enough.  And that's where I need to be.  Right in the kind of dependence where I have enough for today.  I can't see what's coming anyway!  Nothing forces dependence like cancer.  But even on the days that come with a bit less fear and anxiety, I want to still be standing firmly on the God who provides the good, who provides the joy, who I am still dependent on, even when it feels secure on my own.  All is from Him and in Him all things hold together (Colossians 1). This is me preparing the ammo, readying for battle.

Thursday Scott starts his second round of chemo.  While we aren't excited about what is to come, there is a bit of relief in at least kind of knowing what to expect.  We are still praying that whether through chemo, or His own creative means, that God is wiping this cancer from Scott's body.  Cruz, our 6 year old, has been praying on the way to school "Thank you for healing me dad".  The first time he said it, it caught me off guard. 'Man, buddy, I hope you know something I don't yet!' But after he said it a few more times, I realized we should be thanking God for what He's doing even when we can't see it all the time.  God is at work here.  We feel it.  Pray with us!  Wear red Thursday again if you'd like.  We will be wearing red-still standing on God's words and His promises to us.  Grateful that the blood of Lamb conquered sin and death and can conquer this too, however He chooses. 

How does it feel?

"What do you feel?"  I ask Scott this question in some form daily.  "What doesn't feel good?  What kind of sick?  Is it like ___?"  I'm trying so hard to understand.  I want to understand. And although we are one in so many ways, I can't feel this for him or take it away.  He says I'm not annoying him yet but he might be lying.

We are about one week from the first chemo treatment.  The first several days we wondered what, if anything, it was doing.  Then there were a few nights, late in the night, we began to feel the affects.  I say we, but really Scott is doing all the feeling.  Awful combinations of feeling like he'd been hit by a truck, pain in places that hadn't been hurting, restlessness yet so tired, led to a frustration and sadness I've yet to see.  We found ourselves in the middle of the night pleading with God for breakthrough.  During the second night up late, so tired, it felt as though we were being tortured in war. And maybe we are.  A war with the cancer and the chemo.  A war between knowing God is in control and loves us and wondering if He's left us alone to fight this thing. 

I was in a massage a friend got me recently--running late and wired so when I finally laid down, my face mushed up in that hole trying to get my heart rate to calm down, I prayed.  I was praying for Scott and the way his body was feeling before chemo.  I was asking God to give him relief, to make the bloating and frustration subside.  And then I subsequently asked God to war on the cancer.  To fight it with a vengeance.  To be wiping it out, even without medicine!  I often plead with Him, "God, I know you can!  I'm asking you to.  You tell us to ask and I'm asking!"  Very clearly I felt like God said "Lauren, you can't have it both ways.  If I'm warring inside of Scott's body, he isn't going to feel peachy.  It's war."  And in a strange way, I calmed and said "OK".  If that's what it takes God, I'll take the war.  Now Scott may not like this dialogue about how his body is going to feel that he was not a part of.  But he has reminded me numerous times, "Lauren, we can't have it both ways".  So we're trying so hard to be okay with side effects and hard days, pleading with God to be warring against the cancer!

God's mercies really are new every morning and yesterday was a new day.  Scott's color came back during the day.  At one point, he lifted up his pant leg to show me his ankle and was so excited it looked like him!  We celebrated that small thing with fist bumps and his smile.  Maybe it isn't such a little thing. Maybe his body is functioning more normally.  Maybe it's just a tiny reminder that God is working.  That something is happening in there! 

We don't know much more.  He gets blood work regularly to see how his body is handling treatment.  And he should go for another "round" in a couple weeks.  My friend sent me these song lyrics today, when I confessed how alone this season can feel.  

'What was true in the light is still true in the dark.  That you're good and you're kind and you care for this heart'

Oh how I need those reminders.