Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The truth

I want to preface this post with the statement that I haven't been dishonest.  And I don't even think I've misrepresented the truth.  But what I am going to say today is a different kind of honesty.  The kind that isn't overshadowed by the good stories and all the laughter.

Parts of this journey have been very hard.  And not just the year and a half past....some of those moments were terrible.  Many of you heard me cry or listened to our frustration.  I'm talking about the being here part.  I'm talking about sitting around day after day in a hotel room that seems to never be able to get clean (refer to a picture on facebook of Laney's feet!  Oh my!).  In a city that isn't overly friendly to us.  Among people who are hard to understand, even knowing a decent amount of Spanish.  Working with some higher-ups that don't care if we leave here in a hurry.  It isn't home.  And the unknown is very difficult.  Difficult any time if you have any kind of Type A planner personality at all.  Even more difficult with a family of 7 kids.  5 new to us let alone the idea of family.  One not even 3 years old.  And one in college, wanting to be a normal college student but wanting to be with us too.

There have been nights when Scott and I have sat on a balcony, overlooking what looks like a scene out of Law & Order SVU, because it's the only "us" time we have, and thought, 'I wonder what's going to happen? What's the plan?'.  But last night, as I looked at the scene, thinking about how maybe we should take a clue that we are the only people who sit outside at night...thinking about prayer and asking for things.  And I struggle because I am a person who really believes God is able to do humongous things!  We took this leap of faith to adopt because we believe that.  And I do believe that God is the same God in Scripture that parted seas and took down walls with a yelling army and shut lions mouths and healed and changed.  But this journey has sometimes changed my prayer life in a way I wish it hadn't.  I want to pray boldly, without wondering IF he will do it.  I wondered last night if that isn't James praying (but when you ask, you must ask without doubt).  So I waffle, like if I don't pray the exact right words, I could mess something up.

Fortunately, God is bigger than my human over-thinking brain.  And bigger than officials here.  And bigger than a plan.  My plan.  God has stirred many people to pray confidently on our behalf (while I waffle with how to pray) and changed other people's faith as he stretches mine.  And this morning, when some paperwork got signed (that they could have sat on if they so chose), God whispered gently that His presence is so much more important than my precise words.  And that He knows my heart and whether or not I'm doubting or praying confidently, before I even think or speak.

Psalm 16 was so good for me today:

Keep me safe, my God,
 for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
 apart from you I have no good thing.
I say of the holy people who are in the land,
    “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
 I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
or take up their names on my lips.
Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
 you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
 surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
 my body also will rest secure because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful[b] one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Today, we are just goofing around.  And we're doing good.  I just wanted to paint a piece of the picture.  There's a million pieces a day so be glad you're not inside my head. :)  But it's good here; we are doing well.  And hanging out with God, trusting that He is up to things all the time and has us in his hand.  Apart from Him, I have nothing good.  But because of Him, this story is fun and full!

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