Even If

I used to love the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego--you know that one?  The famous story in Daniel about Daniel's friends threatened to be thrown into the fiery furnace if they didn't bow down to the giant idol.  I always loved their audacious, bold faith and slight sass in their famous words "even if He doesn't..." stating they would never bow down to anything other than their God, even if he didn't save them.   They knew exactly what their God was capable of.  But also knew that Him performing or doing what they wanted was not what made Him worthy.   Even if He doesn't.  But come July, I didn't really want to hear those words.  It made me cringe.  And I definitely didn't want to say them!  "No, we are asking God big and believing in miracles! Not 'even if'!" 

Little by little, those words held more dread for me.  A recent women's event titled Even If was available online, and my initial thoughts were "hell no!"  I didn't want to have to have 'Even If' faith.  If I say 'even if' outloud, does it mean I doubt the miracles are possible or coming?  Will God withhold if I even think it?  

After the week long stay in the hospital, that it now seems Scott nearly slept through as if comatose, I had to tell him over a few days what we had learned.  Strange combinations of drugs made for fears that I may never have a lucid conversation with my guy again.  That turned out to not be the case, thank God!  Words like sepsis and liver failure had been said and then ruled out.   MRI's and scans showed no cancer in the brain, but yes cancer in the lower spine we didn't know about and growth in other critical areas.  We got the potassium up enough to leave the hospital, but still left pretty sick.  And although he was walking some with a cane before we got there, he didn't walk out.  His legs are very weak and in pain.  We are thinking radiation on that lower spine should help that some and we finish that up this week.  His platelets and hemoglobin are too low for any further toxic cancer treatments.  There is a still a team scouring the molecular breakdown to see if there are other non-toxic therapies available to us that maybe weren't seen or known even just a few months ago.   But in the meantime, we fight to keep blood levels healthy, including blood transfusions and lots of appointments.  We have home health and physical therapy and a whole new routine that we are managing.  And I mean we!  It takes so many of us to keep these new wheels moving.

As I described the hospital week to Scott, he is aware that he slept through some very hard moments.  He knows they said some big things.  And while he is a fighter and not ready to give up hope on any non-toxic treatments or alternatives--I heard him tell his mom the other day "but even if He doesn't...".  And for some reason, I didn't hate the words quite so much.  There was so much strength in his words and his voice.  He has told people at our house this week that if they are not praying and hoping and asking big, then they are welcome to leave.  He challenges people even in his physically weakened state.  Many of our friends and family are fasting and praying and asking again for God to do things only He can do.  Whatever that looks like!  And even if He doesn't heal the way we continue to persist and ask, we refuse to bow down to anything else.  

Scott looked at me the other day when we were talking more seriously and with groggy, sadder than usual eyes, said "Well, we serve at the pleasure of the King right?"  "Yes we do, babe.  Yes we do."  When I live in that eternal perspective--and remember that this life is but a mist, and this is not our home, 'Even If', isn't quite so suffocating.  I don't know what's going to happen.  Day to day, Scott changes, things ebb and flow.   One day he may be pain free, the next the pain is exhausting.  He has lost some independence and I know feels so vulnerable and beat down.  I have often said that I only have enough strength for today.  And I know that the Lord is the only reason my feet are not slipping. 

"He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber."  Psalm 121:3

He is keeping us and we trust is not sleeping.  He is where our help comes from and we are counting on Him.