End of 2020

It's the last day of 2020 and it feels like I have so much to say and nothing to say at all.  I could say it's been the worst year of my life and I could say I've seen some of the best things in my life.  It's very weird.  

Sometimes it's difficult to find the words to update or the want-to.  Not for any particular reason.  But I also don't want to overlook and not give time to the things and people that have gone above and beyond in this hard season for us. The gifts we have received in the last month alone have been overwhelming.  Meaningful gifts.  Large fruit baskets because a neighbor hears we're trying to eat pretty healthy.  A homemade bottle of mustard seeds reminding us to have faith like Scripture says and that with God, nothing is impossible.   Cookie deliveries, meals even when we're not on a list anymore, and so much more!  And then friends who have a culdesac party, full of strobe lights and a live Santa to show us Christmas love!  I can't bring myself to take down that Christmas tree with the personal, signed, and thought-through ornaments.  The gift cards and monetary gifts that came that night and since....'thank you' doesn't even sound like the right words.  That people think of us, remember us, in a busy and often emotional season for others brings tears to our eyes often.  We have literally felt lifted and strengthened when we get a text message on days when we weren't soliciting prayers, but silently needed them.  These gifts are beyond what we could have imagined.  

Ending 2020 doesn't end our cancer journey.  I sure wish it did!  Today, Scott wrapped up his last day of 10 radiation treatments on a spot near his lung.  It was the spot that needed the most attention at this time and should be blasted.  Monday, he has a procedure to remove more fluid near that area which we did in October. There was always more fluid that may need removed and Scott actually looks forward to this relief.   We have no more treatments for now and we will have another look at things in February.  This is a time of recovery for Scott's body and a period of wait.  And really, we are waiting on the Lord alone.  We ask with faith and boldness, knowing that God alone can make healthy cells and kill the bad ones.  Please join us as we continue to ask God to stop cancer growth, even if it makes no sense.  We ask for God to show off and do what only He can! We ask for wisdom and discernment in our steps.

Scott has great days and feels almost normal.  And he has hard days where he feels fatigued, is confused by the response his body has to treatment, and feels discouraged.  We ride the roller coaster of many emotions and long for "normal".  But I will say, while our flesh is often unstable and feels a lot of things, our souls are firm.  Our guts stand firm on our God.  Even in anger and frustration, Scott is pressing on, trusting that "through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:5) .  Scott is the picture of endurance.  He is a fighter!  On his worst day, I will find him sweating on the treadmill.  He is never curled up in a ball quitting.  He is working and meeting with people and praying and fighting. And while we can't tell you what our 5 year goals are right now, or even 3 months, fighting and trusting is what we will continue to do.  

We are grateful for so many things in 2020!  This season has had a sweetness that I can't even explain.   I am more proud of our kids than I ever have been.  I am crazy about my husband.  We are thankful for little things in the every day.  Even boring days, like New Year's Eve where we might barely make it til 10pm.  We have celebrated more and loved deeply.   We've heard grown men say things they should have said years ago.  Friendships have deepened.  Our faiths have grown and we have had more intentional conversations in every environment we are in.  So much to be thankful for!  

Round five

We had the awaited appointment with the doctor Scott not so lovingly calls Pharaoh yesterday.  This is our after Round 4 discussion of the last CT scan and plan moving forward.  I prayed beforehand two simple things....1. That the doctor wouldn't be discouraging to Scott.  He is our most dreaded appointment-made obvious by high blood pressure and our affect when we leave.  And 2 for Spirit words. That we would know what God says.  That was it.  Well, in addition to my persistent pleas that God would wipe out this cancer in a way only explained by Him.  But yesterday, it was really just the 2.

The appointment was fine.  The CT was "stable" is the word.  The cancer shrunk some in a few areas, but for the most part stayed put.  The doctor spoke to Scott about his reactions and symptoms to the first 4 rounds.  For the most part, Scott is fortunate and isn't losing his cookies or struggling too terribly much.  Peeling finger nails, bone pain mid-round, and just overall yuckiness and fatigue.  But overall, we know we've been blessed with some minimal side effects and some days of normalcy.  Pharaoh didn't rush us.  Listened to some questions.  And basically gave us a choice of whether or not to do Round 5.  I sat in a tiny room, just the 3 of us asking the Lord to speak quickly and loud!  How are we supposed to make this decision?!?  We asked the doctor what he would do.  He recommended the fifth round to give this chemo it's maximum benefit and because Scott is handling this chemo relatively well.  I talked about asking the Lord in front of him.  We were desperate to hear.  He stepped out and we had 10 minutes. 

We had 10 minutes to decide if we were going to send Scott back into poison.  To process a "stable" CT.  What the heck?  Even the medical professional didn't have a black and white answer.  And I remembered I asked the Lord for a lack of discouragement and Spirit words.  We had to believe that Pharaoh was how God was speaking.  It was all we had.  So Scott did round 5 yesterday.  He called me less than an hour later, begging for a food delivery, because just the smell of that place makes him nauseated.  Chemo has a smell.  Foods he eats and places he goes on chemo day, become how chemo smells.  It has ruined some yummy things honestly. 

So overall, not bad news.  Scott called it victory because it wasn't growing! But nothing that blows your dress up either!  I'm not quite sure why it's so hard to process "stable".  To send him back in to something he hates and makes him feel like garbage.  Obviously because I love him.  But bigger than that.  How do you ask big and with expectation, and not get let down when it wasn't what you thought.  And I'm an expectations person.  I remember saying those exact words to Scott when we were friends, before dating.  I never knew where I stood with him and I told him "Look, I'm an expectations person.  I never know if we're friends, if you hate my guts, and I hate it.  So decide which guy you want to be and I'll let you know if I want to be friends with him."  I guess I've been an expectations person for awhile.  

And I must have inadvertently walked in yesterday expecting the big miracle already!  I maybe didn't even realize I was doing it.  Expecting them to say "We can't believe it!  It's nearly gone!".  It's the only way I can explain what a big disappointment "stable" was.  I cried a lot!  I drove out of the parking lot sort of yelling at the Lord "You could do this differently you know!  You are capable and I don't understand why you're doing it this way!"  I struggled off and on and at another point admitted "I just wanted the big miracle, God!"  I sounded like a brat. Gently, I felt Him say 'What if this is a miracle Lauren? It isn't growing.'  My mind quickly remembered 9 years ago when we got told no about adopting our kids.  If I remember correctly, the exact word stamped across our paperwork was DENIED.  I cried so hard that day, Scott walked off a golf course to meet me at home.  Those were my kids and I'd been told no.  BUT God made a way there.  Why it took almost 2 years to get kids that should have been easy to bring home, I may never know.  What I do know is He made a way.  And that His way is better than mine.  

Today, I've read or been sent the most timely of messages and songs.  Reminders of God's miracles, business of impossibility, and even that God has never been held back by prognosis.  Scott and I have read them together, cried through some of them, grateful for God to be so specific and personal.  We still don't necessarily like this.  Chemo is terrible.  Scott hates feeling cruddy, swelling, feeling fatigued, etc.  But we are fighting to Stand Firm.  It's what He has asked us to do repeatedly. Stand.  So on Him, we will. 

Confident expectation

 It's advent season--the season of the anticipation of expectation of the coming of Christ.  There's a few different versions and some including more chocolate than Jesus,  but our church began with Scott speaking on hope.  The cancer patient speaking on hope....during a pandemic.  Honestly, it wasn't hard to brainstorm how to talk about our hope in Christ--our confident expectation that he will be who He says He is and do what He says He will. We believe it!  Our hope isn't in whether or not God heals Scott or what the outcome is.  Our hope is in the reality that Jesus is all He says and we get to know Him, to live in His Kingdom now and forever.

But I gotta say, the warfare that began before this sermon and since, has been intense.   If you don't believe in spiritual warfare, we should get coffee!  Because we know there is a big, active personal God.  But there is also an enemy.  Having hope in the big picture doesn't make us not have feelings or keep us from being human.  And it certainly doesn't keep us from spiritual battle.  In fact, I might argue that the more we hope and bring God glory, the more the enemy wants to tear down.  Spiritual warfare comes at me differently than it may come at Scott.  For me, it acts like pictures and words spoken that flash across my mind like those children's toys from the 80's--the View Master.  Remember those?   It's like people's sad facial expressions, words of discouragement, medical terms and my attempt at understanding click-click through my mind like that toy.  Either way, as it came at Scott, it came at me.  When he felt down, I found it harder and harder to cheerlead.  Symptoms, new and old, cause questioning if this is due to chemo or cancer growth.  Are things moving backwards?  And now the snowball is rolling.  We begin to hear the enemy whisper "You're alone.  You've been abandoned.  You're foolish to believe."  

Friday night, we knew we had hit a wall.  There are moments when you're just flat angry.  Cancer has stolen so much.  And then you've got fights with your insurance company.  You're exhausted trying to hold not only yourself together, but trying to worry about those around you.   You're worn out fighting to believe boldly and keep fear at bay and you can almost feel your neck straining to keep above the water.  We were leaving town with our family and we just cried.  

I reached out to only a few friends asking them to pray that at a minimum, Scott could get enough relief to enjoy Saturday with our people. We woke up Saturday morning and he already felt better physically.  Thank you God!  Then we went to Silver Dollar City and God began to speak in the most amazing ways.

It started with one facebook message.  This friend is from 20 years ago and has now twice sent the most timely, discerning message. She sent a piece of Psalm 44 with a brief note that she wanted to share the hope it had brought her.

"It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face for you loved them. You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob. Though we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I put no trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame.  In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever. " Psalm 44:3-8 NIV (emphasis added)

I was instantly teary eyed.  Unfortunately, I'm also enough cynical to not want to take things at face value and argued with myself- 'Cancer isn't an enemy and that's not what this passage is talking about!'  Instantly, God reminded me that the enemy we were fighting this past week was Satan! He had sent us spiraling.  But my weapons, my words and attempts to punch him in the face are not what will beat him!  My God beats him!  He has and does and will again!  He wins the whole shebang and He will beat him for me today! It was so perfect, I was overwhelmed with emotion and shared it with Scott.  

A few hours later, we both received a text from a friend telling us how she had been praying.  She began before Scott preached the Sunday prior, but the Holy Spirit wouldn't let her stop after the sermon.  She continued praying for what?  For us to be able to take captive thoughts that were not obedient to Christ!  It was like she knew the specific struggle of the week.  That's how cool the Spirit is! 

And then a simple text-sent to Scott-stating that the Father wouldn't let him quit thinking about Scott and his family.  So simple.  Yet divine. 

3 different times, God came near to us.  He used His Word and His people to speak directly to our hearts and our circumstance.  Not change it completely but tell us that He loves us and is intimately acquainted.  And that we aren't forgotten.  By Him or others.  It gave us the push and strength to walk the coming few days before our appointment on Tuesday.  It helped us fight against the enemy with more umph and truth! 

Tomorrow, we hear about the last scan.  We saw scans after Round 2 and now again after Round 4.   It should give us some direction for what is next.  More chemo?  We've been asking not.  Radiation?  I've been asking God to eradicate the spots.  For Him to do a work that can only be explained by Him!  And we will give Him the glory!  Like the end of that Psalm 44 passage--we will boast in Him all day long! But until we hear, we know He is close to us.  We know He isn't sleeping or hands off.  We are hanging onto Him tightly, confidently expecting Him to be what only He can be----God.