Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving day and it's safe to say that this year has been weird and hard for all of us.  Jobs lost, loved ones sick or gone, kids home more than ever, uncertainty...cancer.  It's a strange time.  But I woke up this morning and for some reason, it felt like Christmas morning to me.   My house was silent.  Scott was up early with me to get rolls to start rising.  And I just see things differently now. 

It's been the hardest 4 months of my life, hands down.  The months prior, the beginning of COVID, I could not have known how hard things were going to get.  How scary.  How uncertain.  But I also couldn't have predicted the absolute joy and love and support that would come from hanging on by a thread to my God and the way He has moved in His people to love us well.  I can't describe the daily feeling in my gut of fear surrounded by faith and prayers.  I can feel the fear overshadowed by some of you all praying specifically.  The way uncertainty and stress feels enveloped by encouragement and random acts of kindness and texts that lead me back to the One that holds me together.  It's hard to explain unless you've felt it.  

The update is that we are in the last week of Round 4 of chemo...and Scott has been to work more day this round than any other.  He looks strong, yet bald.  Different, but he's him.  I am more grateful for his health and time with him than I ever have been.  Every moment counts.  Sometimes tearful conversations you never wanted to have.  And sometimes him taking me shopping for "Hallmark coats" (don't ask) when he doesn't feel awesome.  He demonstrates Jesus to me daily. 

I am grateful for kids that want to be around us.  That eat with us and decorate for Christmas together.  Even when I know they feel the fear and uncertainty too.  I'm grateful that 8 years ago today, we boarded a plane with our 2 year old to go get 5 kids we'd never met in another country.  I'm overjoyed with the family God built for me.  He built something I could not have imagined I even wanted.

And in a way, that's what He's doing with cancer.  He is stretching our faith and our relationships with everyone around us.  Because we don't do fluffy much anymore!  If you want to talk about the weather, we are not your people! We are constantly pressing in to good things! He is building something in me that I don't want some days.  He is reminding me that this is not my home and that every day is precious on this temporary Earth that He will take away someday.  And that He writes better stories than I do.  

Today, I am thankful for His presence and the Holy Spirit.  That He changes me and shapes me.  I am thankful for a country where I can still sit in a restaurant and read my Bible.  Where I can openly talk about the Lord.  I am thankful that He hears me.  That when I continue to ask for BIG things, He doesn't push me away.  

I am thankful for all of you that continue to ask God specifically too.  For complete healing.  For the hearts of all that love Scott.  For me.  There are days I can't do it and I know some of you are doing it for me!  I am thankful for the body of Christ and that we can meet.  Masked or not, we can meet and worship.  We are blessed.

What's to come is unknown.  We have a scan December 3rd and it will determine more chemo, radiation only, or some combo.  We are asking God to do things only He can do and eradicate the cancer completely!  What He does is His deal and I make clear that everything thus far is Him everywhere we go!  If you want to know how to pray, pray for December 3rd.  Pray for His glory!  

Happy Thanksgiving friends!  Give thanks to Him in all circumstances!  He is worth it!  

Round 4

 After Round 3 and good news in the last post, we had a Groundhog Dayish few weeks of that round.  The first two weeks are a roller coaster of not-so-hot, better, then maybe not so great again.  The third week, we have come to to expect normalcy which is a welcome reprieve.  Scott usually returns to work whole days and is so close to himself, we almost forget cancer is still such a big part of our story.

We go tomorrow for Round 4.  We will have a brief appointment with the nurse practitioner and then he will sit and get injected with all kinds of things.  The next few weeks may potentially come with answers about how much chemo, is radiation coming soon, and what the plan might be going forward.  I say "may" and "might" because I've come to know not to put my confidence in doctors, in appointments, or even in hopes that their plan will be communicated verbally at all.  These recent months have brought new meaning to "one day at a time".  Looking too far out can almost bring me instant hyperventilation and it is subject to change anyway, so why waste the breath.  

I have been hanging on 2 Chronicles 20.  It's been sent to us multiple times, by different disconnected people, in different months.  I have picked it apart, taken notes, and just tried to figure out what God could possibly want to say to me in it.  The last several weeks, I have toggled between the Go...and Stand firm.  The people were told to go...and they moved.  And they were told to Stand Firm and watch God deliver them.   Action and ultimate trust.  Both. What is my go?  And what is my stand firm?  There is such a fine line between research, food, vitamins and minerals....and trusting that this is God's deal and His alone.  Where do I need to go (do) and where do I need to stand firm (trust)?  

We have walked out praying and continuing to ask God for the miracles we know He alone is capable of.  We have pursued wise reading and council regarding natural remedies and conversations about food as medicine.  We continue to do what the oncology world is telling us as well.  These 2 different worlds don't coexist super well so it requires us to advocate for ourselves and ask God what He wants from us. 

For now, we believe we have good balance.  We know without a shadow of a doubt that in our God alone do all things hold together.  We stand firm in that He loves us and is guiding us every minute.  We go when He says and wait when He says, the best we know how. 

Please pray for Scott and his side effects from these rounds of chemo.  Each round builds on the other and it really is straight poison.  He is a trooper and gets up, gets dressed and wears cologne, even on the days he feels like he got hit by a truck.  He rarely complains and is present with our kids and in his business.  But it is frustrating when your body doesn't do things perfectly and you feel weaker than before.  

Pray for our kids as this journey is very much theirs too.  Pray that they all continue to or seek the Lord for the first time throughout this.  He is the only One who can meet their needs.  

And pray that God is glorified in our lives and our story.  That we would have opportunities at every turn to talk about who He is to us and all that He is doing in our lives! That same 2 Chronicles passage says that when Jehoshaphat was scared, he set his face to seek the Lord.  I am working to keep my face set, even if the Lord is having to gently grab me by the chin sometimes to hold it there. 

Thank you for your continued prayers and love and support!