Jean shorts

I'm having an exceptionally sad day today.  No real new reason, just kind of short-of-breath-sad.  How can it be almost 9 months since I talked with him?  Since we hashed out a decision together?  Since he told me he loved me?  So I started looking at pictures.  I wanted to remember.  I cried alone in my car.

I came across an engagement picture of sorts and just stared. I wanted to remember and feel being those people.  It's not a real engagement picture because we were in Guatemala and our digital cameras were dead.  I don't even feel old enough to say such ridiculous things like 'digital cameras'.  So we have very few pictures from that trip, but my head is full of memories.  Of what he said and how he smelled.

As I stared, I noticed something I don't recall noticing before.  Jean shorts!  Scott was wearing jean shorts!  I giggled through my tears!  I remember his cargo shorts that trip--because I had reached for gum and he practically had a stroke.  I was not aware he carried a ring around for days in a foreign country!  But jean shorts!  Hilarious!  I'm guessing I got rid of those right after we got married! 

It reminded me there are so many details.  Some I forget and get reminded of in flashes, almost like PTSD.  Some of those are almost mean, they're so sad.  Some make me smile.  Some details I don't notice but someone else does.  My kids must have details and flashes that I don't.  Their view is different.  They see from a different angle.

I remember in Scott's sickest day, we saw things differently too.  I was seeing his humanity differently than he could.  In some ways, his perspective was God's kindness to him because he would have never wanted to know what I was living.  He would have wanted to protect me from that.  I'm grateful he didn't have the foreknowledge 13 years before to protect me from that.  What we would have missed! 

He used to quote Luke 10:23 to me--"Blessed are your eyes for getting to see what you see".  He was pointing out God allowing me to see the fruit of some of my labor--growth and change in people.  People choosing to follow Christ right in front of my eyes.  We don't always get to see the growth of what we water and when we did, he didn't want me to miss it.

As much as I really think parts of this story are stupid right now and I've told God I think He got it wrong a lot of days...I'm grateful to be the person who walked the details with Scott Sterling.  Some silly.  Some extremely hard.  Some infuriating.  Some fulfilling.  Many life changing.  

I'm reminded to keep looking at the details.  I don't avoid the pictures or the memories or the stories in hopes that I won't hurt.  Sometimes I almost force it.  I have the strange luxury of having heard him counsel others-telling them they can't fast forward the process and they have to walk through all of it.  I hear it in his voice, but it's for me now.  He's right.  I have to feel it.  

So I had my moment.  Looked at more pictures.  And am asking God to help me see the details.  See what I missed before.  See what He wants me to see.  I needed a change of perspective.  I'm begging God for it.